Consequences
by Kathryn0505
Summary: A decision Sam makes one night has lasting consequences. Sam struggles to deal with a medical diagnosis as her world threatens to fall down around her. Borderline M in the first chapter for sex but after that it's T. Eventual SJ and team.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I recently realized that I have never read a fic that focused on an STD. I wanted to rectify that. STDs are a part of life and for some people they are permanent. I advise you to give this fic a try. Even if you don't care about the subject matter, this fic is more than Sam having an STD. It's also about how she deals with the choices she's made and how she comes to terms with the changes in her life.**

**That said, I have several parts already written and will be uploading every couple of days. Please review because this is a difficult subject matter and I'd love to hear opinions or people's own stories! **

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The mission had sucked, to put in plainly.

Three days of rain, mud, and a grumpy colonel were not especially pleasant. The first day had been uncomfortable, but by day two it was plain miserable. They were camping on P5X-597 for several days in order to observe some astronomical anomalies on the planet. The colonel was as enthusiastic as normal and began to complain about her need to collect data on the wettest planet in history about three hours into the rain. She barely was able to keep herself from pointing out that it was actually her who had to collect the data in the rain and that the rest of the team could be dry in a tent.

Although to be fair, it's impossible to keep anything dry after three days of camping in the rain. Even Teal'c was starting to look fed up by the time they headed for the gate, but he naturally said nothing. The colonel took up whistling, happy at last that the end was in sight.

Sam had tried her best not to sigh in exasperation. She was getting more and more fed up lately. It seemed like all she did was trek around planets getting captured or being subjected to horrible weather conditions. On the rare day this routine was mixed up, it was usually because there was some horrible problem at the SGC that needed her fixing.

When she joined the SGC years before she never would have imagined she could feel so… unfulfilled. But if she took a moment to honestly examine how she felt, she was unhappy. It seemed more and more that they would forever be trekking around the galaxy, barely keeping the Goa'uld at bay and it was starting to tax.

But she did her best to _not_ consider her life honestly. Which was why she found herself unexpectedly in a bar, flirting with the guy seated next to her. Going out and meeting people was something she never did; this is why she did it now. Some part of her recognized the attempt to dislodge herself from her rut, but she waved it down.

_Oh_ and David just put his hand on her leg. _High_ on her leg. The fact that she was vaguely surprised told her it had been way too long since she had had a man's attention. The colonel flashed through her mind for a moment but she focused her attention back to David. Her chances with the colonel seemed slimmer by the day and it was time to move on. She was entitled to a life, right?

Right. Which was why when David asked her if she wanted to go back to her place she agreed.

SG1

It had been _way _too long since she'd done this, she decided. The things this man was doing to her shouldn't feel this good. They had barely made it to her bed before she had managed to hand him a condom and he was inside her. As he pounded into her she was seriously concerned the sounds she was making might disturb one of her neighbors.

His fingers pinched one of her nipples and she felt his other hand snake between them to rub her clit. She exploded around him and within a minute he came, thrusts finally slowing until he stopped. She gathered herself finally and lifted her head from the pillow to look up at him above her.

"Good?" he asked, looking very much a proud man.

"It was okay," she smiled up at him and he laughed. She grinned more in response.

"Shit," she heard.

She looked back to his face before following his line of vision down to where he was pulling out of her.

"Condom broke," he said. She looked down and sure enough, it had.

"I'm on the pill," she told him.

He walked away to dispose of the condom and she got up to follow him, pulling a robe from her closet and lingering in the doorway to her bathroom.

"Good," he said. "No babies."

"No babies," she confirmed, beginning to relax from the adrenaline rush of seeing a broken condom on the other participant of her one night stand. "Are you free of STDs?"

"Yep," he assured her, nodding. He was beginning to put his clothes on and she wasn't sure if she was relieved or not.

"Me too," she told him. "Do you… want to stay?" she offered.

"I have an early morning tomorrow," he negatively replied. She supposed it was for the best, although it kind of bummed her out that the first man she's been with in literally years couldn't even spend the night. She wouldn't call herself a huge cuddler, but sometimes it was nice just to have company.

"I understand." SG1 was on a few days downtime after their mission from Wet Hell but normally their hours were unpredictable and sometimes terrible.

"Call me if you want to do this again sometime," he told her.

She nodded and walked him to the door. "Goodnight," she said and he leaned down to kiss her cheek before heading outside to his car. She watched him drive away with mixed feelings. She had never once had sex with someone she hadn't been seeing for a while, but David had instantly attracted her. It was nice to feel wanted and she could admit that if felt freeing to do something so… atypical for her.

She knew plenty of people who had casual sex, she just never really counted herself as one of them. Until now. She shrugged off the tiny bit of guilt she felt, knowing it was because of years of hearing how women ought to behave. Seriously, she was 37 years old, way too old to still care about how other people would perceive her actions. It's not like anyone would know, and she knew rationally that she wasn't breaking some universal moral code. She shut her front door and went to bed, glad she didn't have to be in early to work.

SG1

The next three weeks passed pretty much uneventfully. They had had a few easy missions, mainly meetings with peaceful planets for a change. Daniel had enjoyed them and the rest of them just kept an eye out for any danger, although there wasn't any.

She had spent the rest of the time studying some of the objects other teams had brought back through the gate. It was nice to not have any catastrophic events happen for a while. She would even get to go home on time, although there was nothing exciting waiting for her except for a bath.

And bathe she did. She filled her bath with warm water and bubbles and even added some of the beads to fill her bath with lotion and aroma goodness. She took her time, shaved her legs and between her legs and just generally lounged around.

The team had been relaxed lately. Daniel was adjusting fairly well to being un-ascended (descended?) and they had fallen back into their old friendship with ease. In many ways he was more of a brother to her than Mark, and she had missed him.

The colonel was... the colonel. She was really trying to accept that there would be nothing between them but it was hard. She'd always had this underlying belief that at some point they would be in a position to pursue each other. But nothing was ever changing and she knew that she couldn't hold out hope forever. He might not even feel the same any longer, although she suspected he did. She still wanted to be with him, but how long could she wait? She had loved him for a while now but was starting to feel like a fool for holding out for so long.

Eventually her bath cooled and she carefully stood on the damp floor. Drying herself off, she stopped when she noticed something. A… bump? on her labia. Seriously, how had she even noticed it? She started to wonder if it was new or there before. She hadn't noticed it but that didn't mean it wasn't there before, covered in hair and hidden from view. She thought of her encounter with David. The condom had broken. She had a moment of panic but calmed herself down. He said he was free of STDs and she had no reason to doubt him.

She had no reason to trust him either, she realized. She barely knew him. _I'm so stupid _she berated herself. _Why would I ever think taking a strange man home was a good idea?_ She dried herself more completely, mentally cursing herself. She pulled out a handheld mirror and held it up to herself before realizing she couldn't see. She sat on the floor and spread her legs, mirror held between them.

She studiously studied herself like she never had before. _Oh my god_ _there's another bump_. _Is that a pimple? What does herpes look like? _She poked and prodded at herself for a good ten minutes before finally getting up and putting her pajamas on. What now?

She let her thoughts run wild for a few moments. How likely was it that she had contracted something? It was only one time, but she realized one time was all you need. She felt her panic begin to build again after her zen-like and efficient self-examination.

_No_ she told herself. _It's probably nothing. _But what if it wasn't? She resolved to make an appointment with a doctor off the base. She definitely didn't want to explain herself to Janet or one of the other doctors. An appointment would let her know that she was fine and she could move on with her life. _Assuming, of course, it's not something you contracted _her mind betrayed her. Seriously frustrated with herself, she pushed it to the back of her mind for the night.

SG1

It was hard to push it out of her mind. She'd tossed and turned for a while before finally she was able to fall asleep. As soon as she woke up it was the first thing on her mind. After going to the bathroom she checked to see if the bumps were still there. They were, and they looked the same. She called to make a doctor's appointment but couldn't get in to be seen until Thursday. It was only Monday so it would be a long few days but she would have to make due.

"Sam, you okay?" Daniel asked her over lunch. The day could not be passing more slowly if the base were in a time dilation field.

"Hmm?"

"You're kinda quiet. Everything alright?"

She looked up from her meal to see him gazing at her with that look of concern he wore so well. She debated telling him what was going on for two seconds before immediately deciding she couldn't bear it. Everything was probably fine anyway and she was just overreacting.

"Yeah," she nodded. "I'm just having trouble with some experiments I'm running," she lied. God, how she wished that were the truth. In actuality everything was running smoothly. It seemed the universe was being particularly cruel, making all the equipment work when she needed the distraction the most.

"Ah." She got the feeling he wasn't convinced but he didn't push it further.

"Where's the colonel and Teal'c?" she changed the subject.

"I think Teal'c is 'endeavoring to teach O'Neill the practice of meditation,'" Daniel mimicked.

Sam laughed. "Is Teal'c trying to make his own life harder?"

"I guess," Daniel shrugged. "Maybe they're just bored."

"Maybe. I'm gonna get back to the lab," she told him, standing up. "Simulations don't run themselves, and all. Well, I guess they do but I still should see the results," she frowned.

"Alright, I'll see you later."

She hoped not. Not that she was avoiding Daniel is particular but it was just hard for her to focus on a conversation at the moment with so many thoughts flying through her head. She couldn't wait to get home. She'd be one day closer to her appointment.

SG1

This was actually a terrible idea. About an hour after she got home she thought maybe if she looked up symptoms of STDs she could compare them to her own bumps.

Yeah, she was kind of regretting that choice. Knowledge is power and all, but Google images was a horror show when it came to pictures of STDs. Herpes was apparently destined to infect her eye and cause blindness. When was the last time she washed her hands? Oh geez, this wasn't working!

She switched her method of information-gathering and decided to read about what sores typically looked like. The doomsday scenarios weren't helping.

She got to a reputable medical site and read under the symptoms section. 'Sores typically present as fluid-filled blisters. These sores may be clustered or singular. They may be painful or itchy and will break open before scabbing over and healing. Sores typically do not leave scarring.'

That didn't sound like what she had. She felt more hopeful and went back to her Google search. She found a forum for people asking questions and read through the comments. It seemed doctors were answering people's questions.

Reading more left her more uncertain. Most people don't know they are infected because they have no symptoms or have very mild symptoms mistaken for something else? She was convinced she had pimples ten minutes before but now she wasn't so sure.

It didn't matter, she told herself. _I have an appointment in three days. I'll find out then. _Still, she couldn't resist the temptation to go look at the bumps again, as if they would suddenly have the answer written on them if she looked closely enough. Three more days.

SG1

By Wednesday night, she had learned more about skin diseases than she had ever needed to. _If these are not herpes sores I will never have sex outside a relationship again_ she promised herself. She was agonizing over what this could mean for her.

She had read about how common the infection was. It's not like she hadn't known about STDs before, but she now knew an impressive number of statistics and it was starting to hurt her brain. She was trying to brace herself for the disappointment of a diagnosis while still clinging to a tiny sliver of hope. _Lots of people have it and they go on _she told herself. This was true, she realized. But it sure felt like her love life would be over. Not that she had one anyway. But she felt tainted, like she was being punished for making a bad decision.

She calculated the probabilities in her head. 20% chance David has it times the 8% chance she contracted it without him having any symptoms. That's only a 1.6% chance she has it. Not too bad.

But she did have those pimples. Sores, probably. She was going to find out it was herpes.

She suddenly felt stupid. The fate of the planet was at risk from the Goa'uld and she was sitting here almost crying over the fact that she might have a treatable skin infection that a large minority of people already have. She needed to get over herself.

She shut her laptop and pushed back her chair angrily. She was acting like a child, caring about something so minor. She would go to her appointment and if it was herpes, it was herpes. She'd go on with her life like she always had and that was that.

SG1

After calling in sick that morning she sat on a sterile table in the doctor's office wearing a tiny paper gown.

"So what brings you in today?" the woman, Dr. Cole, asked as she began to wash her hands at the examination room sink.

"I had a condom break with a new partner almost a month ago," Sam explained. "A few days ago I noticed some bumps."

"Okay," the woman nodded. "We can check those out. Do you want to be tested for other STDs too?"

Sam paused. It seemed stupid now that she thought about it, but she had been so concerned with those stupid bumps that she hadn't considered any of the other possibilities. She wanted to believe she had nothing to worry about, but if she truly believed that she wouldn't be here in the first place.

"I think I'd better," Sam finally told her.

"We'll take some blood and get swabs from your cervix." She pulled the stirrups out and advised Sam to scoot to the edge of the table and spread her legs.

"Are these the marks you're concerned about?" Dr. Cole poked them with a gloved finger.

"Yeah. I'm not sure how long they've been there. I noticed a few days ago."

"They look like simple pimples to me. It happens."

Sam sighed a breath of cautious relief. "Not herpes?"

"I'd very much doubt it. They don't look like any herpes sore I've ever seen," the doctor replied. "When we draw your blood we can test for it, though, if you want. I would normally take a sample of a sore but it really doesn't look like you have one."

"Okay, I'll have that test, too. What else do you test for?"

The doctor started to take her swabs for the other tests. "Chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, HIV, and hepatitis. And we can do the herpes test too since you're concerned about it. Okay, you can take your legs out and sit up."

Sam sat up and adjusted herself on the table as the doctor took off her gloves.

"We have the rapid HIV testing in this office if you're interested. The results come in in 20 minutes so you can wait to get them. How long ago did you say was your exposure?"

"About a month ago."

"Okay, it can take 3-6 months to get an accurate test but most people average about 20 days before the test will pick it up. Interested?"

"Uh, alright," Sam agreed. This was kind of a lot of information for her to digest at once but she guessed it was good to find out sooner rather than later. HIV was pretty rare, anyway, so it couldn't hurt to have it done.

Ten minutes later a nurse was taking a swab of her cheek after drawing her blood. "I'll come back when we get the results. It'll take about 20 minutes so just sit tight."

Sure enough, 25 minutes later the doctor was seated in front of her. "Your test was inconclusive," she told Sam.

"What?" Her brain wasn't processing.

"The test wasn't positive or negative. It was inconclusive. That could be for a number of reasons," she explained.

"Like what?" Her throat was suddenly dry and she swallowed hard.

"Other illnesses. A faulty test. We want to take another swab and do the test again."

"Okay," Sam agreed. She'd had a lot of strange things happen to her body in the last couple of years. Maybe something was messing up the test, like the protein markers Jolinar had left behind.

"Inconclusive," the doctor told her another 25 minutes later, giving her a weak supportive smile.

"What does that mean?"

"You could have something else that's reacting with the test. Or it's possible that you're positive and there aren't enough antibodies to be able to fully detect yet. Either way, you need to have another test done."

"Isn't my blood going to be tested for it?" Her mind was spinning. David would have known if he'd had it, wouldn't he? _No _she remembered from her classes forever ago in high school. _It can go years undetected. _Why wouldn't he have had a test?

"We'll still test it but it's possible that test will be inconclusive as well. It might just be too early to say. Depending on that test you will need to come in for another test in a couple weeks. Alright?" She nodded absently. "Sam?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you hearing all this?" the doctor gave her a look of detached concern.

"I'm going to need another test," Sam repeated back.

"We can schedule you an appointment. In the meantime we will call you with the results of everything else. Do you want us to call someone for you?"

Sam could have laughed if she didn't feel a breath away from crying. Who would she call? Everyone she knew worked at the base and there was no way in hell that she was letting any of them know this was going on.

Sam shook her head. "I'm okay."

"Come on," the doctor gently touched her arm. "I'll take you up to schedule another appointment."

She made an appointment for three weeks in the future. It wasn't definite that she would be able to keep it as the team often ran into unexpected trouble. Oh god. What about SG1? What if she had it? They would find out, wouldn't they? The Air Force tested them for HIV every few months, like all the branches did. She was going to get kicked out of the SGC.

She started to tear up, her situation about to overwhelm her. Luckily she was pulling into her driveway by this time, the drive having been completed on autopilot. She ran into her house before her neighbors could see her burst into tears and collapsed onto her sofa, crying.


	2. Chapter 2

She woke up a few hours later feeling awful. She didn't know for how long she had cried before she'd fallen asleep but it had given her a horrible headache. Her eyes felt puffy and gross from the dried tears.

She took an aspirin and washed her face. Looking at her miserable reflection in the mirror she let out a sigh. How was this even happening? What was supposed to be some quick rebellious fun had turned into a nightmare. How had she gone from worrying about a few not-even-herpes sores to HIV?

She thought of what she knew of the disease. She'd learned about it in school, of course, and had heard a little in the time since. But all she really knew was that it affected your immune system and people often died from AIDS-related illnesses. Surely the treatments were better now, right? She knew people died quickly in the past from it, but that was when they were just learning what it really was.

She needed to calm down. She hadn't even had a positive test result and here she was worrying about how quickly she was going to die. She knew she was overreacting but wasn't sure how to stop.

She got an idea. She hadn't been with anyone but David for years so if she really had it it would be from him. Her test was too soon to tell but maybe he would be able to get an accurate test result. That is, unless he acquired the virus recently and hadn't had it show up on a test or he hadn't been tested yet. Who knows, maybe he picks up women every night. Jeez, what the hell had she exposed herself to? She ignored the part of her that whispered she shouldn't judge; she, after all, had picked up a stranger so who was she to judge him?

She didn't really want to call him but she wasn't sure she could go through three weeks of uncertainty. At least if she called she might persuade him to get a test. If he was negative, her chances would look a lot better. If it were positive, though, her fate would look pretty sealed.

This uncertainty was driving her crazy. She went to her phone and looked up his number before she could lose her nerve. She tapped her fingers impatiently on the countertop as she waited for him to pick up.

"Hello?"

"David? Hi, it's Sam. From a few weeks ago." She cringed. This situation seemed a lot more embarrassing now that she was having to explain who she was to a man she had just had sex with.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Well…" she hesitated. How should she phrase this? If she said the wrong thing and she could seriously freak him out. If he started to freak out then she would probably lose her composure. "I went to my doctor today and had a test." Better to just jump in. "It was inconclusive for HIV."

She listened for a response but he didn't say anything. "I have to go back in a few weeks for another test. It could just be something else messing up the test. But I'm wondering if you've had a test recently?"

"No," he finally answered. "I didn't think I needed one. I haven't felt sick lately."

She closed her eyes as if she could protect them from his blinding ignorance. "You might not. You can have it for years and not know."

"Oh."

"Yeah." There was an awkward pause. "Listen, you should really go have a test done. Just to be safe."

"Alright," he reluctantly agreed. She could tell he was doing his best to absorb this new information. "I'll go when I can. Probably Monday since tomorrow is already Friday."

"Great. So… let me know how it goes?" Sam asked.

"Of course. I'll talk to you later then, I guess."

"Yeah."

"Alright, bye." Wow this was awkward.

"Bye," she responded before pressing the end button on the weirdest phone conversation of her life.

SG1

SG1 ended up going off world for the next couple days. SG4 was supposed to be doing a survey on an uninhabited planet but their scientist got the flu. SG1 was called in to replace them.

In a way, she was glad. Having something to do was taking her mind off of her situation a little. At the same time, she knew she wasn't acting like her normal self. She had the feeling the guys were talking about her behind her back. Sometimes she would catch Daniel looking at her from across the fire or over the equipment but he would always look away when she caught him.

She felt a little guilty, too. In a way she felt like she was keeping a huge secret even if there was nothing to tell yet. The colonel would crack a joke and smile at her and she would laugh for a moment before remembering. She couldn't help but wonder if he would feel differently about her if he knew what was going on. Would they react with horror? Think less of her? Think she was stupid?

_Of course they would _she realized. _I think I'm stupid, too. _

It was almost a week before she was able to get home and by that time she was both dreading and looking forward to hearing from David. She hoped that he would have news that would prove all her fears unfounded but realized it was possible that her hopes were about to be crushed.

Sure enough, 7 days after she had called him she heard back.

"My test was positive," David's voice sobbed into her ear.

Her hopes dashed, she finally realized something; this was really happening. Up until now she was thinking in terms of how her life would change if she were positive but she hadn't really believed it. But with David's positive test and her now three inconclusives (her blood work had been negative for everything but HIV, so at least that was something) her world was looking a lot less bright.

"I'm sorry," she told him.

"I don't know what to do," he told her. "How can this be happening?" He was still crying and it was making her uncomfortable. What could she do to comfort him? She wasn't qualified for this.

But then she realized that eventually this was most likely going to be her. If she were to tell any of her friends, she would want their support.

"What did the doctor say?" she asked him, trying to keep them both focused on the tasks at hand.

"He said I need to have bloodwork done. Another test to be absolutely sure and then something about some T cells. I can't remember everything. How am I going to tell my wife?"

Sam was pretty sure her heart stopped beating although it felt like ice was being pushed through her veins. "You're married?"

"Yeah. She doesn't know I go out."

Obviously. Sam doubted most women would tolerate their husbands sleeping around but then again, who knows?

"You need to tell her," Sam told him, keeping her judgments to herself.

"I can't!"

Her fury finally boiled over. She was mad at herself, this whole situation, but at this moment most of all she was angry at this cheating moron who had not only probably infected her but was putting his wife at risk, too.

"You need to!" Sam snapped. "What are you going to do, just not tell her and infect her? How is that right?"

"She's going to leave me." He sounded resigned and a little pathetic but it didn't stop the flood of anger rushing through her veins.

"Maybe she should!" Sam didn't even have time to feel bad about her retort because she was already plowing ahead. "I have to go. I'll talk to you later." She hung up before he could get a word in. Why did she say that? She didn't want to talk to him at all again but she couldn't completely undo a life's worth of being polite to people in one phone conversation. As mad as she was, she couldn't cut him out completely. It felt like she was in this alone but at least there was one other person who already knew what was going on. Even if she barely knew him, she clung to the one person who might understand.

Her phone rang in her hand. She picked it up without really looking at the caller.

"I'm sorry!" she immediately repented. Her fear of being alone in this terrifying scenario had her feeling contrite already.

"Um, Sam?"

"Daniel?" Oops.

"Yeah. Why are you sorry?"

"I thought you were someone else. Don't worry about it."

"You sure?"

"Yes, Daniel! What's up?" She felt a little bad about shutting him down but she was reaching a point of emotional overload and wasn't sure she could keep her feelings at bay for much longer.

"Okay, well Jack wanted to have a get-together at his place this weekend. He says we haven't had some good barbecue in a while. I tried to remind him we never have good barbecue at his house but he just glared at me and told me to call you."

She felt warmth spread through her as she heard Daniel's recounting of his good-natured teasing. Daniel had been one of her closest friends for years, along with Janet and the rest of SG1. She was going to miss him.

What? What was _that _thought? She wasn't going anywhere. Was she? She was already assuming that her test results were going to isolate her from everyone and she wasn't sure if she was feeling that way because she'd probably have to leave SG1 or because she thought they would all turn their backs on her. They wouldn't, would they? Fear came back to her.

"Sam, you there? Do you wanna come?" Daniel's voice finally penetrated the chaos that her mind was becoming.

"I love you, Daniel," she blurted out. Great, now she sounded crazy. He was definitely going to think something was going on now. But she was latching on in her need for support.

"Uh, I love you, too, Sam." He hesitated for a moment. "Sam, what's going on?"

"Nothing," she shook her head despite the fact he couldn't see her. "I'm just… glad you're back from, you know, being ascended. And a barbecue sounds great. Saturday?" It didn't sound like fun at all given her mental state but she was trying to cover her sudden admission.

"I'm glad to be back, too. Yeah, Saturday. I'll tell Jack." He paused again, trying to figure her out but she remained silent. "Okay, well I'm gonna get back to translating."

"Okay."

"If I don't see you tomorrow, I'll see you Saturday." He knew something was going on. She had been acting strangely for almost two full weeks now but he didn't know why. He had briefly mentioned it to Jack but he had just waved it off and said she was probably just "distracted by some doohickeys." Daniel was getting the feeling that it was something much worse.

"Okay, I'll see you then."

"Alright. Sam? I really do love you. Whatever it is, it's going to be okay."

"Bye, Daniel." She needed to get off the phone _now_. Tears were starting to leak from her eyes but she did her best not to start crying outright. She was defenseless in the face of his kindness.

"Bye, Sam." He hung up with an unpleasant feeling. He wasn't sure but something was going on.

SG1

"Jack, something's going on with Sam," Daniel insisted. He hadn't seen her the day before and he came early to the barbecue so that he could talk to Jack. He felt a little bad, like he was betraying her confidence talking behind her back, which was ridiculous because she hadn't even told him anything. Plus, he really did just want to help her so it couldn't be wrong to seek out some help from another friend, could it?

"Daniel, we already went over this." He was losing his patience. Daniel seemed to think Sam was dying or something and just couldn't let this go.

"There _is_!" Daniel defended. "When I called her on Thursday something was definitely wrong."

"Alright, why do you think that?" Jack was giving Daniel a hard time but it was honestly because he was a little concerned himself. He just didn't want to tell Daniel that and worry him even more.

"She sounded strange on the phone. I asked her if she was coming and instead of 'sure, sounds great' she tells me she loves me!"

"She what?" Okay, that was a little unusual. Not that he doubted the sentiment- SG1 was close. But Jack just couldn't picture her bringing it up in casual conversation. Hell, Daniel had to "die" the last time before she brought it up.

"I know!" Daniel carried on. "I asked her what was wrong but she said nothing. I think she was crying when she hung up." He frowned.

"Maybe she is just glad you're back from the land of the glowing beings." Actually, that was possible. Well, of course she was glad Daniel was back. But maybe she was just remembering how much she missed him now that she had him back.

"You think?" Daniel skeptically asked. "It seemed like more than that."

"Well, she was kind of put out that you visited us and not her," Jack remembered.

"I did what?"

"You came to me, when you were ascended. I was being tortured by Ba'al, there were knives? It was a grand time. You came to help me ascend."

"I did?" What was he thinking? Jack wouldn't have been interested. It must have been bad for him to risk going to him and for him to think Jack would even try to ascend.

"Yeah, crazy right? That's what I thought. But you visited Teal'c too when he and Bra'tac were sharing that snake."

"Not Sam?"

"No. But maybe she was just upset that we didn't tell her, not that you didn't visit her."

Daniel frowned. Jack wasn't making him feel any better. In fact, he was making him feel worse because he was starting to convince him that whatever was going on with Sam was his fault because he didn't do that he couldn't even remember not doing.

Jack seemed to realize this. "Look, she'll be fine, Daniel. We'll just keep an eye on her, okay?"

Daniel nodded before he heard the knock at the door. Sam and Teal'c walked in a few moments later and the discussion was shelved.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you to anyone who reviewed or followed. I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this!**

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Sam was equal parts dreading and looking forward to this. She needed the distraction but she was pretty sure her anxiety was going to be written all over her. Not to mention Daniel would probably be on her like a shark on blood. But she really was looking forward to the silent camaraderie and figured it couldn't make her morale any worse.

Sure enough Daniel came up to her and gave her a hug as soon as she and Teal'c cleared the doorway. He lingered for a moment and she let herself enjoy it. She felt a little ashamed actually. Two days ago she was afraid all her friends would abandon her if they ever found out. But Daniel was so clearly concerned about her that she doubted she would ever get anything but support from him.

Not that she was likely to find out. This was a secret she'd like to take to her grave.

After the hug, though, everything was pretty normal. She actually found herself having fun.

"It is a fine film, O'Neill."

"It's a bunch of dinosaurs running around gnawing on people."

"It is educational," Teal'c insisted.

"Jurassic Park?" Daniel questioned. That was kind of a stretch.

"Indeed. I will have learned more about these creatures from this film than I will have known before the viewing."

"That's only because you didn't grow up on a planet that had a history of them," Jack argued.

"Perhaps, but I wish to watch it regardless."

Jack gave up and looked at Sam. She was smiling, following their conversation. There. She was fine. He couldn't let Daniel's paranoia get to him.

Sam caught his eyes on her. "We should let poor Teal'c watch it, sir. I actually like it."

Like he was going to deny her after Daniel's speech to him earlier. "Alright, set it up, T."

The movie went by slowly as they watched and ate. Sam felt her mind start to wander since she had already seen the movie a few times. She probably should have voted for something she'd never seen before but it was too late now. She glanced over to the colonel and found he was watching the movie but not really into it.

She wondered what his reaction would be if he found out. Would he still want her? She thought he loved her but would he still after he learned what a stupid mistake she'd made? Would he love her enough to be with her regardless? She wondered how she would feel if their situations were reversed and didn't know. She felt her heart sink a little. She had already thought their ship had sailed. Now the universe seemed to be confirming that with this horrific sign.

Deflated, she sank down deeper in the chair and waited until the movie was over so she could make a quick escape.

SG1

The next few weeks passed by agonizingly slowly for Sam. She was still waiting for her appointment to have another blood test done, even though she realized her test was probably going to be positive. Still, there was a chance it was negative and a small part of her clung to that fact.

She was at a kind of war with herself. One hour she would be sure she was positive and the next she convinced herself that she wasn't and it was simply some off world cold that messed up the tests. She was driving herself crazy going back and forth.

She also made the mistake of Google again. Her research told her that transmission from a single encounter was much less common than she'd thought. She read tons of people's stories and saw how many people had been with people with HIV for months before either of them knew and the negative partner wasn't infected. But some people became positive after a single encounter and Sam feared she would be one of these people.

She thought of the worst case scenario. If she were positive what would she do? Should she leave SG1? How could she without telling anyone what was going on? If she asked to work full time in her lab people would wonder.

Finally the day of her blood draw came and went. The doctor had told her the results would take a couple of days to get back and because it was Wednesday they probably wouldn't be in until next week. It seemed like this torture was being dragged on and she was just ready for it to be over.

She hadn't spoken to David again and she felt bad about how she had reacted. Not only because she was afraid, in some way, of being abandoned with this virus but also because she knew he had needed support and was scared, as was she, and she had let him down. She resolved to call him after she got her own results back.

SG1

"Your blood results have come in," the dispassionate voice on the phone told her.

Naturally they would call when she was at work. She knew she should probably not answer unless she was home but she couldn't drag this out any longer.

"What were they?" she asked, bracing herself.

"We need you to come into the office. We can't give results over the phone."

Was this woman kidding? She was on the verge of losing it. It had been almost two months since the encounter with David and about five weeks since she had had her first inconclusive test. She needed to know already.

She then did something she never could have pictured: she begged the woman to tell her. She absolutely pleaded. Eventually, she caved.

"I'm so sorry, your results were positive." Shock. Suddenly there was no hope. "They ran it twice to get confirmation. It's a definite positive."

"I, uh…" Sam was at a loss. No matter how much she had tried to prepare herself for this, it had been impossible.

"You'll need to come in for some more tests. They need to find out how advanced it is and what the first step in your treatment will be."

Sam nodded absently before shaking herself out of her fog. She made an appointment before she hung up, forgetting to write it down. She realized she couldn't remember when she had scheduled it for and actually had to call back.

Wow. HIV positive. She was HIV positive. She had known of the disease for most of her life but it always seemed a remote possibility. Even after David's positive test result she still had believed, deep down, that hers was going to be negative. She had tried to prepare herself for the news of a positive result, but her brain just didn't ever really process the possibility.

Now it wasn't just a possibility. It was her reality. She was one of those people who slept with strange men and contracted STDs. She was one of the people with HIV, whom most people thought of as whores, gays, or drug users. She herself had not been aware how biased she had been until this moment, when she felt like a stupid slut for contracting it. It could happen to anyone, but in her mind she must be a horrible person for getting it.

She looked up from the bench in front of her to the various projects around her lab. Would she get to continue her work? The Air Force would probably toss her out as soon as they found out. And they would. She and a portion of the others at the SGC were up for their routine testing in a couple months. There would be no hiding it.

It suddenly felt like her entire life was crashing down around her. She had worked her whole life to get to where she was now and she was about to lose everything because she made one stupid mistake. She couldn't help but start to cry and got up to close the door and turn the light off in her lab. Maybe no one would see her and she could go home early.

She leaned her head down on her folded arms and tried to sob as quietly as possible.

"Carter?" She hadn't even heard the door open.

She heard him shuffle closer to her before he hesitantly put a hand on her back. He patted her awkwardly for a moment.

"What's up?"

She just shook her head. She might have been embarrassed if she didn't feel so depressed. As it was, she didn't have enough energy to care about his catching her. It wasn't going to matter anyway, was it? She was going to have to leave the SGC and would probably never see any of them. What did it matter what he thought of her crying now? The thought made her cry a bit harder and he called her name again.

"Carter, hey, what's wrong? You're starting to freak me out here." She really was. He had been concerned before but hadn't thought anything was truly wrong. Daniel seemed to have been right, though. He'd seen her shed a few tears before, but nothing like this.

She used every ounce of training she had every received to bury her emotions enough that she could stop sobbing. She sat up on her stool and eventually turned to face him but didn't look up. "I'm okay, sir."

"Yeah, I can see that. What is it?"

"It's nothing, sir. I just need to go home," she whispered. If she raised her voice she was sure it would crack.

"Okay, I'll take you. Wanna go now?" He was dying to know what had her this out of control but didn't want to upset her any more than she clearly already was.

She nodded and let him lead her to the surface. They didn't exchange any words on the way off the base or the whole way to her house. Not until he pulled into her driveway.

"Sam, you should take the rest of the week. I'll clear it."

She just nodded and moved to get out of the car.

"Do you want me to stay? I'm not sure you should be alone." Jack was seriously concerned about her and wasn't sure it was actually safe to leave her.

"I'll be fine," she croaked. "Really." She'd have to be, she guessed.

Jack reluctantly agreed and watched her enter her house. He pulled out of her driveway and got to the next block before he turned around and went back. He parked up the street from her house and just waited. She might not want him there but he couldn't feel right just leaving her. He just sat in his car for the next few hours, hoping she would call him but she never did.

SG1

"You didn't even call her?" Daniel asked, incredulous. Jack was an idiot sometimes.

"She wanted to be alone. What was I supposed to do, Daniel?"

"Oh, I don't know, show some concern maybe?!"

"Hey!" Jack finally snapped. "I am concerned. But I kind of blow at this, Daniel, so if you want to lend me some sensitivity I'd appreciate it!"

Daniel realized that Jack was probably as worried as he was but wasn't sure what to do about it. "I'm sorry. I'm just worried."

"Yeah, well, you were right to be."

"What do we do?"

"Why are you asking me?"

Good point. Daniel considered for a moment. "Maybe she'll come to us. If we keep pushing she is just going to get angry. Let's just show her some support for now. Unless it gets worse."

They nodded in agreement. They had a mission this week and would be able to keep an eye on her. Thankfully it was to a peaceful planet whose people they had already befriended. He wasn't sure if he could completely trust her in the field at the moment. She hadn't done anything to really make him doubt her, but she had certainly not been acting like herself lately and due to Carter's typical calm and emotionally stable nature, this was enough to give him pause.

SG1

Jack managed to catch up to her on Monday before they geared up for their mission. He didn't want her to think he was cornering her for information so he tried to look as nonchalant as possible. It had been totally normal to see Carter have a breakdown in her lab last week. What could he have to worry about?

"Hey, Carter."

"Hi, sir," she greeted. It was a couple of days late, but the embarrassment had finally set in. For someone who was trying to keep a secret, she was doing a terrible job. Luckily she had had a few days to think of a plausible explanation. Maybe he wouldn't bring it up.

"So… how are ya?" Okay, well, that lasted twenty seconds.

"I'm fine, sir." She debated leaving it at that but knew that even if he let it go he would still be scrutinizing her. Daniel, too, probably. She hadn't seen him for days and he must have noticed her absence last week. The colonel must have told him what had happened otherwise he would have called her out of curiosity. He must've been warned not to.

"I know I've… not been myself lately," Sam tried. The colonel tried and failed to look dispassionately interested. "It's my brother."

"He okay?"

"He will be. He was in a pretty serious accident a few weeks ago but it looks like he's going to be fine."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Carter. You going to be okay?" Jack breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe it made him a bad person but he would 200% rather something bad happened to her brother than to her.

"I'll be fine, sir. Really." She gave him a smile that was almost to her usual grin.

"Alright. I'll see you in the gateroom. I'd better go hurry Daniel up."

She watched him leave and breathed a sigh of relief of her own. It seemed he'd believed her and she had no doubt that he would fill Daniel and Teal'c in on what she had told him. It wasn't a permanent fix but the lie should buy her some time before she could figure out what she would do next.

A part of her felt guilty for lying to him. Their entire team and their relationships were based on trust. But at this point she was keeping so many secrets it probably didn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

A couple of hours later they were on the planet Marsay checking up on the population. They had known the inhabitants for several years now and simply liked to check in with the planets of past missions on occasion. It was easier to keep up on the state of the galaxy by keeping tabs.

Daniel did most of the greeting and talking while she, Teal'c, and Colonel O'Neill patrolled around. The peaceful nature of the planet meant that it wasn't long before her thoughts again turned to her personal life.

She wasn't sure where she should go from here. Medically, the situation was simple. She had another doctor's appointment scheduled soon where she could find out whether she would need to begin treatment. Professionally and personally, the situation was much more complicated.

She knew deep down that she couldn't stay on SG1 for much longer. The Air Force would eventually find out her status and she needed to resign before that happened. The last thing she needed was everyone on the base finding out, and she had no doubt that if it came to that, they would. She did have a few months to figure out how to leave without rousing too much suspicion, however.

What she wasn't sure was how she was going to get off the team. Her teammates would be blindsided, most likely. This team had been her life for the past seven years and she wasn't sure how she was going to handle life without it. She would miss the people in it, too. She was sure, at first, that they would try to keep in touch but it would naturally fizzle out. They would keep going through the gate and eventually they would have too little in common to talk about and she would be left behind. It hurt her to think about it, but she knew it was true.

She figured she would enjoy the little time she had left on it. On some level she hoped something would happen to her on a mission. While she wouldn't want her team to be in danger, she almost thought it better that something tragic should happen to her. She didn't know what she would do after she quit gate travel, and she wasn't looking forward to finding out. It might be better to just… Everyone would be upset if she were fatally injured on a mission but it would be a good way to be remembered. God, she was spending too much time on her own. She was getting way too morbid. She knew from her research that she would probably have a normal lifespan, even with her condition. She wasn't ready to throw in the towel but the challenge just seemed so impossible.

She supposed she could work in her lab full time but it just wouldn't be the same. SG1 would go on saving the world and she would be playing with her experiments in the lab day after the day. It wasn't going to be the same and she didn't know if she was going to be able to do it.

_Tough _she thought to herself. _It was your idiotic choices that got you into this mess. Live with it._

But she wasn't sure she could. Especially if her team, her family, ever found out what had happened. How could they look at her the same? She was supposed to be the smart one, the one who always had the answers and did everything right. Now she had ruined her life in one single night.

She was losing everything and everyone. She couldn't even deal with the changes in her life because every ounce of her energy was being used to fend off the glances the rest of her team was sending her way when they didn't think she was looking.

It was funny how she only got into this mess because she was feeling unfulfilled with her life. Now that she had to give it up she realized that it was all she had wanted. She would give anything to be able to change that night.

SG1

The next few weeks passed pretty smoothly as far as the male portion of SG1 was concerned. Sam really did seem to be doing better and there had been no need to save the world.

Sam, however, was not doing so well at home. She spent all of her time at home researching her condition or pondering what she was going to do when it came to the SGC. Her doctor was pretty pleased with how she was doing, though. Her CD4 count, luckily, had been high as they had caught her infection so early. Her viral load was rising, though, and she had finally realized that she would need to start on medication soon.

She researched her options and hoped that the side effects wouldn't be too severe. Her luck seemed to suck lately, though, so she'd probably get every single side effect possible.

She was starting to worry about the cost, too. The medications were expensive, over $1000 per month. She knew she had insurance through the military but she would rather not have to use it. If she went through her insurance the military would obviously find out about her condition. Perhaps she could get into some kind of program to assist with the cost. Although the military would find out sooner or later, anyway. Even if she switched to a lab position she was still going to fail her next HIV test. The only way would be to resign her commission and she wasn't sure if her benefits would pay for the medication after that. She didn't think she had served enough years to be able to retire properly and get full benefits. She'd never been in this situation before and didn't know where to turn for answers. Maybe if she stayed as a civilian she would get insurance through the SGC but not the military? What insurance did the civilian scientists have?

This whole situation was giving her a headache and she was no closer to figuring out what to do.

She had also never felt more alone in her life. She went to work and interacted with her team, but the interaction was tainted by the knowledge of her condition. She was constantly wondering what they would say or do if they knew. Someone would give her a compliment and her immediate thought was "But it doesn't matter because I have HIV."

It was ridiculous but it felt like nothing she said or did mattered anymore because of her condition. It was like all of Sam Carter had ceased to be since she had contracted HIV. Everyone online said that it was important to remember she was the same person she was before her diagnosis, but that was a lie. She could barely go a couple of hours before her thoughts inevitably turned to the diagnosis. She knew the guys were once again unconcerned but it was doubtful that Janet wouldn't notice her weight loss.

It felt like she was juggling ten different balls with only two hands and that sooner or later they would hit the floor.


	4. Chapter 4

"Hi ho, hi ho, off to work we go…" Jack began whistling.

Daniel groaned. "Really, Jack?"

"What, can't a grown man sing a jaunty tune?"

"That's not singing."

Jack glared but Daniel really did have a point. "Well, I prefer to keep myself occupied on this _15 click hike_."

He was bored for sure and it didn't help that his knee was starting to hurt. Plus, he was the only one talking. Daniel and Carter hadn't uttered a word the entire time. It was a bit strange, actually, since normally he could hear those two chatting away. Teal'c was always silent.

"Since you three aren't keeping me occupied I don't have a lot of choices," he continued.

"We'll try to keep you entertained in the future, Jack."

"O'Neill," he heard Teal'c's deep voice. "There is some thick foliage ahead."

He looked up and sure enough the forest was getting thicker. "Great. Why are we out here again?"

Everyone turned to look at Sam, who was lost in her own thoughts.

"Carter?" Jack called. He caught her dazed glance. "What are we doing out here?"

"It's possible this planet has naquadah deposits, sir," she reminded him. "We need to check the site to see if it truly is naquadah or another material."

"Right," he sighed. "Then I guess we hi ho on."

"What is this 'hi ho' of which you speak, O'Neill?"

Sam tuned out the conversation again although she vaguely could hear the colonel's joking response. She was absolutely exhausted and this hike was not helping. She knew she needed to stay healthy now but she had no appetite and couldn't sleep. Janet had raised an eyebrow at her last weigh in but she had told her she was simply getting more exercise in the field.

Suddenly Sam tripped over a root. "Ah!" she cried out as a large thorn sliced into her palm.

The guys were suddenly standing around her. "You okay, Carter?"

She sat up into a more natural position and took a look at her hand. It was bleeding a good deal and hurt like hell.

"Sam?"

"I'm fine, just a little sliced." Colonel O'Neill reached a hand out to get a better look at her hand. She froze for a moment. _He can't! My blood is like poison! _

She snatched her arm away. "It's okay!"

The colonel and Daniel gave her a strange look at her vehement response. "Sorry, sir. It just really hurts. Could I get a bandage, please?"

They all rummaged in their packs to find the proper dressing. Sam wrapped her hand carefully and tightly, not wanting any more blood to escape.

"Alright, I'm good."

The colonel looked at her appraisingly. "Alright, we're this far. Let me know if you need to go back."

"Yes, sir."

They continued their hike until they got to the deposits which were disappointingly not naquadah. Exhausted and frustrated, they took an hour break before deciding to head back. No one was keen to spend the night.

The hike home was uncomfortable for Sam. Her hand hurt, she was tired, she was hungry, and most of all she was panicking. She couldn't put off her removal from the team any longer. She had only had a minor accident today, but it could have been much worse. What if she had had a serious injury and had bled more? What if she were knocked unconscious and her teammates had to treat her without knowing of her infection? She couldn't continue to put them at risk. Knowing this would be her last trip through the gate made her sullen and her mood seemed to bring the rest of the team down, too. They hiked in silence until they reached the gate.

SG1

Sam allowed the nurse to stitch her hand and tried her best not to twitch with guilt and shame. She should have probably warned the woman about her infection but she really didn't think the woman could be taking any more precautions than she was so didn't see the point. They were called universal precautions for a reason.

Five stitches later she was standing in her lab. She was trying to gather the courage to go talk to General Hammond. She had finally made a decision and felt its weight.

She knocked on his door until she heard his invitation.

"Major! What can I do for you?"

She shifted on her feet for a moment. "Can I talk to you for a moment, sir? Privately?"

The general frowned but nodded affirmatively. "Shut the door, Major."

She shut the door and sat across from him. The silence lingered for a moment as she tried to think of what to say.

"Major?"

"I need to be transferred off of SG1, sir," she blurted before she could lose her nerve.

Hammond looked genuinely surprised. He took a moment to process what she said. "Uh… this is unexpected."

"I realize that, sir."

"Have you spoken to Colonel O'Neill about this?"

"No, sir."

Hammond again frowned. "Perhaps you should speak to him first, Major."

"That's not necessary, sir." The whole reason she went straight to Hammond was to prevent more questioning.

He must have sensed something about her. "What's brought this on, Sam?"

She blinked for a moment, mildly caught by surprise. She had hoped Hammond would accept her decision and move on, but apparently not. She couldn't blame his surprise or curiosity, though. To an outside perspective this must be a shock.

"I just… need to be transferred," she lamely responded.

He continued to stare at her, trying to feel her out. Finally, "I'm sure you know that won't be enough for Colonel O'Neill. And frankly, your position on SG1 is important for the success of the SGC."

Sam really didn't know how to respond to that and was beginning to feel her resolve weaken. She still wasn't sure how the Air Force was going to deal with her infection and hadn't decided if she should resign her commission based on the insurance situation. She wasn't sure what to say next.

"Sam?" Hammond was looking concerned and she knew that her mask was starting to slip. "Does this have something to do with Colonel O'Neill?" He wasn't blind and had seen the tension between them over the years. He hadn't seen anything in recent months to give him any cause for concern, but he couldn't see what else this could be about.

"No, sir." She was having an internal debate. She really needed some advice but wasn't sure she could tell him what was going on.

"Sam," Hammond spoke. "What's this about?"

She made a decision. She'd known Hammond, off and on, for almost her entire life. She didn't want to tell him, but she knew she needed some professional guidance. If it had to be someone, she knew he would keep it private.

"Can I… speak to you off the record, sir?"

Hammond got up from his chair and moved to sit on the other side of his desk beside her. "Go ahead."

Sam felt her whole body begin to shake with nerves and tried her best to keep still. Hammond could see her legs shaking and felt his concern rocket up a notch.

"I have HIV," she whispered.

Hammond tried not to let his shock show but it must have because she immediately looked away and took a shaky breath. She felt like her heart was going to beat out of her chest.

She felt his hand on her back. She didn't look up because she didn't know what to say.

Hammond was feeling similarly at a loss. "I… don't know what to say to that," he admitted.

"I understand, sir," she let out a laugh that was more a release of tension than anything else. "I need to transfer off SG1."

Hammond gave her back a fatherly rub before finally removing his hand and leaning back in his chair.

"Alright. I take it you haven't told the rest of your team?"

"No, sir. I… don't want anyone to know. But I don't know what to do as far as the Air Force is concerned."

"What do you mean?"

"Can I stay at the SGC? Should I resign my commission?" she asked.

"The Air Force allows officers to remain as long as they are not in combat situations," he informed her. "There's no reason you can't stay at the SGC in a scientific position without resigning your commission."

She nodded. That was good, at least.

"Is there something else on your mind?"

"I don't know who I should tell. I'm going to need to continue seeing doctors. Do I need to go to the academy hospital? I want to keep this as confidential as possible, sir."

"I'll make some calls, find out for you," he promised. He watched as she nodded and stood up.

"Thank you, sir."

"Major?"

"Yes, sir?"

He hesitated to get involved but he loved Sam like a daughter. He knew she must have been having a rough time. "I'm sorry about this."

She nodded. "Me too. Thank you."

SG1

Telling General Hammond had, in a way, elevated her mood. He was the first person she told and he hadn't recoiled in horror. It sounded stupid in her head but she was actually extremely grateful that he was willing to touch her. She knew HIV wasn't very contagious and was impossible to contract through casual contact but she still felt like a walking leper. The fact that he had not thought twice about it and had shown only support and not disgust meant more to her than she would ever be able to put into words.

For the first time since this ordeal began she was actually beginning to feel hope. Her team did not yet know of her decision to leave the field but she was starting to feel like it was going to be okay. She wasn't ready to tell anyone else but General Hammond's positive reaction made her think that maybe one day she would.

Mark called her and told her that he had a friend who wanted to meet her. She was reluctant at first but then thought maybe it would be a good idea. It would be nice to get out of her house and it was the first time she had really felt up to it. She called Pete and set a date for later in the week.

SG1

Her first date with Pete was going surprisingly well. It gave her a feminine thrill as he flirted with her while they chatted. They didn't do anything fancy, just went out to lunch because she figured that would be a low-pressure way to get to know him a little better. She was surprised at how well they got along.

Still, a little voice in the back of her head was whispering to her how she had a huge secret she would need to unload on him. She wasn't really sure when she should tell him about her status. She had taken to the internet and read people's opinions. Some told people right away in order to be upfront and save time and others waited for a while so that the person could get to know them.

The idea of telling Pete was making her nervous. Her experience with General Hammond had gone well but this was a different situation. Still, under her nerves she felt a bit of hope. Pete seemed like a genuinely nice person and she could see herself continuing to spend time with him.

She decided in the end to not tell him on their first date. She thought about it but when she tried the words stuck in her throat and she chickened out. She ended up giving him a perfectly reasonable kiss on the cheek. She still had a huge secret weighing on her mind, but she hoped it would work out with Pete.

SG1

To say her team was shocked by the announcement she was leaving SG1 would be an understatement. They were seated in the briefing room with General Hammond when he informed them of her departure.

"Major Carter will be leaving SG1 and will be transferred to a full-time lab position."

"She _what_?" Colonel O'Neill exclaimed. He immediately turned to look at her in shock. "Why?"

Sam froze for a moment even though she had an excuse prepared. "I want to move to a position that will give me more free time, sir. I spend all my time off-world or on base. You're the one who's always ordering me to get a life, sir." Her eyes left the colonel and strayed to General Hammond. He knew she was lying but she could see that he didn't even blink.

Colonel O'Neill sputtered for a moment. "Well, yeah, but… can't you do that without leaving the team?"

"Sam, are you sure?" Daniel piped up. He looked like his normal mix of concerned and disturbed.

"I'm sure, guys." She looked to General Hammond.

"Major Carter's reassignment has already been processed. She will be in the lab full-time starting immediately. Colonel, you'll need to start looking for a replacement for her on SG1."

"Great, that went well the last time," he frowned.

"Dismissed, people." Hammond got up and left to his office leaving the former SG1 standing awkwardly around the briefing room table.

"It will not be the same without you, Major Carter," Teal'c broke the silence.

"We're gonna miss you, Sam," Daniel echoed, coming to hug her.

"I'm gonna miss you guys, too," she admitted, holding Daniel a little tighter. It felt like the end of an era and in a lot of ways it was. She could feel despair beginning to creep up and continued to hug Daniel for what was longer than most likely reasonable.

"Eh, we'll see you around, though," the colonel put in. "We can still have our barbecues!"

Sam nodded and finally pulled away from her friend. "I'm gonna head down to the lab." She really just wanted an escape. She knew she was doing the right thing but it still felt like losing her family in a way.

"Have fun with the doodads, Carter."

"Yes, sir," she weakly smiled before heading out of the room.

The men watched her leave and allowed a moment of silence.

"Jack?"

"Daniel?"

"What was that?" he asked, dragging out the question like it would compel Jack to give the right answer.

"She's entitled to a life, Daniel," Jack responded but was feeling similarly confused.

"You think that's what this is?" Daniel wondered. "Why now?"

"I don't know."

"Major Carter seems most troubled," Teal'c weighed in.

"What do you mean, Teal'c?" Daniel leaned against the table and gave him a look of careful concentration.

"She has not been herself for some time."

"Her brother was sick, T," Jack recalled.

"Why was Jacob Carter not called?" Teal'c reasoned.

Jack and Daniel paused in contemplation and looked at each other in wonder.

"Well, the Tok'ra are busy," Jack explained.

"And they don't exactly get along," Daniel added. "Maybe her brother didn't want her father to know."

"It was my understanding that they had reconciled and were henceforth building a relationship."

"Look, maybe her brother's accident made her want more out of her life. Who knows?" Jack reasoned. This was starting to give him a headache. He couldn't figure Carter out at the best of times, even less when she was being suspicious and secretive. Which, he admitted, she had been in recent weeks.

"Colonel!" they heard Hammond call. He'd heard most of the conversation through the open doorway and wasn't liking where their suspicions were heading. "Don't you have somewhere to be?"

"Right, sir! I'll just- get right on that." Jack shrugged before turning to leave. But all of them still had questions.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: A few people have wondered about whether Sam will be healed by alien tech. I'm not sure yet. It's extremely possible that that could happen but I don't think Sam would ever dare ask for it or feel deserving of it. I also think she's in such a state of shock and disgust that the thought has not yet occurred to her. Rest assured, it _will_ occur to other people and be discussed.**

* * *

The next few weeks passed fairly uneventfully. Colonel O'Neill still hadn't found a replacement for her on SG1 and so the team spent a lot of time on base. Daniel especially seemed to be making time to see her and often worked on a translation in her lab by bringing a couple of books and sitting at a desk out of the way. She appreciated it.

She'd actually gone on several more dates with Pete and was enjoying herself. Her enjoyment was still tempered by the fact that she would soon need to tell him of her status but she couldn't help but like his company.

He was funny and nice and she could tell he was beginning to care about her. She was enjoying the attention and did like him but was still trying to let go of Colonel O'Neill. She knew she needed to but it was so hard. She couldn't make herself stop caring just because she willed it so.

A traitorous voice whispered in her head that she could have him now. She was, after all, no longer directly under his command. He was still senior to her but she now reported directly to Hammond. But then she remembered her status. It was unlikely he would want to be with her and even if he did she couldn't bear to see the disappointment in his eyes when he learned of what a colossally stupid mistake she'd made.

Telling Pete would be hard but she could do it. Seeing the disappointed look on the colonel's face was not something she was willing to do. She cared too much what he thought of her to risk losing his respect.

SG1

She couldn't put it off any longer. Pete pulled back from kissing her and gave her a smile. She tried to reciprocate but her nerves were starting to affect her motor functions.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

She pulled back completely. "I need to talk to you about something. Will you come inside?"

He nodded and she could see that he was concerned. She led him in and sat down with him at her dining room table.

"I would rather you didn't tell Mark," she prefaced.

"Um, alright."

She tried to remember all the stories she'd read online and how she had rehearsed this little speech. "I care about you and there's something you need to know. I have HIV."

"You… what?" Pete asked, a bit shocked.

"I'm HIV positive," she repeated.

"Uh, wow."

He added nothing else and she began to get worried. She felt her heart rate pick up. "I understand if this is a deal-breaker for you," she began to babble. "But it's something you need to know and I'll really understand if you don't want to see me anymore." He stayed silent and she felt tears began to rise.

"I'm not sure what to say," he said. "I really like you," he added.

"I like you, too," she whispered.

He reached out and put a hand on hers where it sat on the dining room table. "But I'm not sure if this is something I can handle." He removed his hand.

A few tears broke free and she looked miserably down at her lap. She felt the sobs beginning to form in her chest and tried to keep her composure. Tears began to pour from her eyes and if she could have spared a breath she would have sighed in frustration. She seemed to cry at the drop of a hat now.

Pete felt horrible. He really did like her and it physically hurt to see her so upset. He scooted his chair so that they were beside each other and pulled her into a hug. He waited for a few moments and she seemed to gather her composure a bit.

He pulled away and watched as she wiped at her face.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"It's okay. Let me do some research on it. I like you and I want to make an informed decision."

"I understand," she told him.

Pete stood up. "I'll give you a call soon, okay? I promise." It felt a little wrong to leave after that but he really needed some space to absorb what he just heard.

Sam nodded and watched as he left. She went to bed, too emotionally exhausted to be conscious any longer.

SG1

Pete kept his word. He'd done his research and looked at the situation from all angles. In the end though he had decided that it was something he wasn't able to deal with. He apologized profusely. It would have almost been easier if he'd been a jerk about it. At least then she would have realized he wasn't anyone she'd want to be with anyway. The fact that he was so nice about it just reinforced the fact that she'd lost out on a good man who'd cared about her simply because of her infection.

It sucked. The situation doubly sucked because she finally needed to be put on medication. General Hammond had kept his promise too and determined that she needed to go to the Academy hospital if she wanted to keep this out of the base. So after some routine bloodwork and discussion with her doctor she was put on Stribild.

She was nauseous and tired but otherwise the medication wasn't too horrible. It was only 1 pill a day so it wasn't even very inconvenient. It was just that Pete's rejection and the beginning of her treatment seemed like a slap in the face that served as a reminder of her condition.

Any progress she was feeling she'd made after telling General Hammond was gone. She was a fool for thinking this was going to have a happy ending. Pete had rejected her. He'd felt bad about it, but she couldn't blame him. No one would want to risk a potentially deadly and dangerous infection when there were plenty of other fish in the sea. She couldn't see how anyone would ever want her again. To make matters worse, Colonel O'Neill was going to have to choose a replacement for her soon. She'd then have to deal with watching her friends go off without her.

She'd lost her position on SG1 and any chance of going through the gate ever again. She'd lost any chance for a romantic partnership. She always thought that when she was established in her career and the timing was right she would have a family. Obviously that wouldn't happen.

Her situation was beginning to feel hopeless again. Her friends would soon forget about her when they returned to going off world. Even if they were around she felt less than before, like she was unworthy of their friendship. It might be irrational but she truly felt like they no longer knew the real her. It was her own fault for not telling them, but how could she when the shame would be so great?

She was barely getting by. She took her meds and went to work but she wasn't doing much else. She was losing weight and not sleeping. She no longer had to go for physicals as she was not on an SG team but she had a feeling the others were beginning to notice her haggard appearance. She just didn't have the energy to care anymore.

SG1

Captain Audra Capaldi was eventually selected to replace her on SG1. Even thinking about it was almost enough to send her into a jealous rage.

Capaldi had everything Sam was now lacking. She was very young as she had only recently been promoted to Captain and had graduated early from high school. The woman was also brilliant, which was what had earned her the spot on SG1. She had graduated at the top of her class and had been working on the gate technology after her graduation. Sam grudgingly recognized that she was qualified but couldn't help feel like perhaps Colonel O'Neill hadn't been impressed by her credentials so much as her appearance. Audra was easily one of the most attractive women Sam had seen in the Air Force. She had thick dark hair that she chose to keep long but tied back and bright green eyes. Factor in her relative youth and the fact that she had her spot on SG1 and Sam was feeling irrationally jealous. The conversation she was having with Daniel certainly wasn't helping.

"The leader hated Jack. Thought he was condescending. But he took one look at Audra and started catering to our every demand," Daniel laughed.

"I'll bet," Sam grumbled.

"Hmmm?"

"Please, Daniel, you're not blind."

"Well, no, you just seem… especially mad about it."

"I'm not mad," Sam argued. "I just think it's a little strange that of all the people Colonel O'Neill could have chosen for SG1 he chose the one person who could double as a model!"

"So this is about Jack." Daniel didn't miss the slightly deranged look of jealousy on her face.

"No! This is about the fact that he would choose teammates based on looks." Okay, that was mostly a lie. Mostly she just felt threatened by the woman, especially when it came to the colonel. Not that it mattered anymore. She didn't have a shot in hell now with her infection.

"Sam, you know she's qualified. And I'm sure that's why Jack chose her."

Sam deflated, weakened by her mental reminder of her status and the fact that she was being petty and knew it. In fact, Captain Capaldi had been nothing but inordinately respectful towards Sam. She was constantly asking Sam questions about the gate and other technologies, fascinated by Sam's experience and knowledge. And here Sam was being catty. She felt bad especially since she herself had had people question her own qualifications due to the fact she was an attractive female officer, like she couldn't be attractive and smart at the same time.

"I know."

"So what's going on then?" Daniel persisted.

"I guess I'm just annoyed she gets to take my place going through the gate," she admitted.

"I thought you wanted to be off SG1?"

"Right," she winced. "I'm just feeling a little replaced."

"No one could replace you, Sam." Daniel's sincerity warmed her heart.

"Thanks, Daniel," she smiled.

"Why don't the five of us get together?"

"No," she immediately responded.

"Why not?"

Because acknowledging the woman was smart and deserving was a big leap from interacting with her voluntarily. She still hated her a little, fair or not.

"I'm sure Captain Capaldi has better things to do. And it's not fair to her to have me there. You guys are her team now and she needs to bond without me getting in the way and making her uncomfortable," Sam reasoned. That was actually mostly true.

"She asks about you all the time, Sam."

"Still no, Daniel."

"Alright. But if you change your mind…"

She wouldn't. "I'll let you know."

SG1

It was harder than she thought it would be. With a fourth member SG1 was back on the mission rotation and was gone more often than not. She started seeing less of her former team and when she did see them they had less to talk about. Sam could only stand hearing so much about their missions before she started feeling left out and the team had only limited interest in Sam's own projects.

In a strange turn of events it was Audra who Sam started to spend more time with. While the rest of SG1 had little interest in alien devices, Audra was intrigued to no end. When not off world she had taken to spending more time assisting Sam with whatever was happening in her lab. The woman loved to learn and was determined to be as helpful as she could to SG1 and the SGC. It also helped that Audra was the only one Sam had not known before her infection. Looking at the rest of SG1 was just a reminder of what she'd lost. But Audra was just a new member of the SGC eager to learn.

Sam resented her presence at first but eventually thawed to the woman. The captain was one of those people you just liked no matter how much you tried to hate them. Not that Sam was trying. Maybe a little.

Capaldi was compassionate and intelligent. Sam had come to value her help, even, after the first couple of weeks. The two had even struck up a friendship of sorts. Sam was superior to her in rank but Capaldi reported to Colonel O'Neill. She'd finally succeeded in getting Audra to stop calling her "ma'am" every sentence and Audra was starting to chat with her about more personal things while waiting for experiments to run.

"We went to dinner," Audra informed her.

"How was it?"

"It was fine. Until I realized it was never going to work because I spend all my time working for a top secret government organization and travel to other planets."

"Yeah," Sam empathized. "That could be tough."

"How are any of us supposed to make a relationship work when practically everything about our lives is classified?"

"I don't know," Sam told her. "Just… try to find someone you have other things in common with, I guess." Sam was probably the last person to give advice but she tried anyway.

"Right," Audra sighed, turning back to look at the simulation.

"Just don't give up," Sam advised. It was suddenly very important to her that at least one of them had some kind of successful relationship. "It's hard but it'll be worth it. The work we do is great but it's not everything."

Audra considered her words before nodding. "You're right, Major. Thanks for the advice."

Sam nodded. Well, at least Capaldi would have a life. Sam would just have to stay in the lab for the rest of her life.

SG1

Jack wandered through the control room on his way from the commissary. Captain Capaldi trailed behind him. He could admit that she was a good officer, but she wasn't Carter. Her presence just served to remind him of the fact that Carter had left her position on SG1.

And for what? She had said she wanted to get a life but he didn't actually ever see her leave.

"Captain?"

"Yes, sir?" Capaldi's bright young face shined up at him, eager to please. That kind of reminded him of Carter, too, when she'd been a Captain and new to his team. She'd lost her youthful enthusiasm over recent years and he was sad to see it gone. Especially lately.

"You've been helping Carter in the lab, right?"

"Yes, sir. Well, I've been spending time in there. She's mostly been explaining things to me."

Jack rolled his eyes and shook his head. "That's great. Has she mentioned… anything?"

Audra went to answer but realized she had no idea what he was talking about.

Jack saw her confusion. "I mean, does she talk about her life outside of the base?"

"I wasn't aware she had one, sir," Audra frowned. "Am I missing something here?"

"No," Jack sighed. _But I think we are. _

Suddenly the gate started turning and the appropriate alarms began blaring.

"It's the Tok'ra, sir, ma'am," the sergeant on duty told them.

"Open the iris," Jack ordered.

They looked on as Jacob made his way through the event horizon. Jack turned and made his way into the gateroom, Capaldi on his heels.

"Jacob! How are the Tok'ra?"

"Hey, Jack. Always a pleasure." Jacob's eyes drifted to the brunette who was practically bouncing at his side in excitement.

Audra saw his gaze to her. "General Carter! It's a pleasure to meet you, sir!" She saluted. "And Selmak, too, of course."

Jacob gave a half-hearted salute and looked to Jack.

"This is Captain Audra Capaldi," Jack told him. He realized that Jacob had no idea what had been happening with his daughter. That was going to be interesting.

"Hello, Captain," Jacob nodded. He shook off his confusion. "Where's Sam?"

Jack shifted. "Captain, go tell Hammond and Carter that her father's here."

Capaldi gave an affirmative response and rushed off to Sam's lab.

"What's going on, Jack?"

Jack waved at him to follow as he headed up to the briefing room. "Carter transferred off SG1."

"She did? Why?"

"Said she wanted more free time."

Jacob didn't get a chance to respond as Sam and George walked into the room. He was immediately surprised at how Sam looked. She looked… bad. He couldn't put it into words. She just looked worn down. Fragile, too, like she'd lost all her muscle tone and would fall over if he nudged her.

"Hey, Dad," Sam greeted him, coming to hug him.

Geez it felt like she'd lost weight. He could feel her shoulder blades digging into his hands.

"Hey, kiddo." He pulled back after a moment and nodded to his old friend. "George."

"What's this I hear about you transferring, Sammie?" He looked down into her eyes.

"Dad…" she began, shaking her head. He'd seen that look before, usually given only when she was starting to get annoyed at him for being overbearing, as she called it.

"I'm just asking, Sam." She didn't look like she was going to give him anything.

After a pause George spoke up. "What brings you here, Jacob?"

"Actually, nothing Tok'ra related. I just thought I'd spend some time with my favorite children." He looked at Sam and grabbed her hand. "Can you spare some time for your old man?"

Sam was completely taken off guard. "I'm not sure, Dad. I'm running some pretty important experiments." She didn't miss the scrutinizing look Colonel O'Neill was giving her. This whole thing was unexpected. She was closer with her dad now but she was still surprised he would take time off to visit her.

"Maybe you should go see Mark, Dad. Hailey's birthday was last week and I'm sure she'd love to see you."

Jacob exchanged a look with Jack. "I'll call him."

"Well, it's good to see you, Jacob," George said. "I'll leave you guys to it."

They watched as General Hammond returned to his office. Jack also said his goodbyes and left, sensing the tension in the air and hoping to avoid it. He had a feeling Jacob was going to have a lot of questions.

SG1

Jacob didn't just have questions. He interrogated his daughter. She surprisingly didn't even get mad at him, though, which made him wonder even more what was going on.

She insisted that she wanted to pursue a life outside the SGC. He supposed it wasn't outside the realm of possibility. As much as he still thought of her as his baby girl, he realized that she was starting to "advance in years." Not that she was old, but she was past the age when most people started families.

But there was something in the way she'd talked to him. She spoke of getting a life and yet her tone seemed resigned, like she was bored. Plus, she wanted to get a life but was too busy to spend time with him? Maybe she wasn't so busy, though. She did tell him that she would like to have him over for a few days before he went to visit Mark.

Maybe he was seeing things that weren't there. He'd have time to figure it out, though.

SG1

"I just don't understand why you'd leave SG1," he argued.

"Dad," she groaned. This was turning out to be the longest three days of her life. "I would think you'd be happy I'm not in so much danger."

"I am! But I thought you loved your job."

"I do, Dad. But there's more to life than work."

"So are you seeing someone?"

"Dad!"

"What? You tell me you want more from life and I'm not supposed to ask how it's going?"

Sam sighed. _At least he'll be harassing Mark tomorrow. _She curled her legs under her on the couch. "I went on a few dates. It didn't work out."

"What about Jack?"

"What about him?" She wasn't liking where this was headed.

"You know what, Sam."

"I don't, Dad."

"I see how much you both care about each other. You're not under his command anymore…" He admitted to himself, and Selmak, that although at first the idea of Jack and his daughter had disturbed him, he had warmed to it in recent months. He knew Jack had some skeletons in his closet, but he thought deep down that Jack was a good man. He couldn't imagine anyone who he would trust more with his daughter.

"There is nothing between Colonel O'Neill and me," she firmly stated. "Maybe there once was, but not anymore. We've both moved on."

"Have you? Is that why you've been off the team for weeks and only been on 'a few dates'?"

"I got caught up in some experiments recently, that's all." Sam stood up and looked at the clock. "It's late, Dad. We should both go to bed so I can take you to the airport tomorrow."

Jacob knew an escape attempt when he saw it but let it go. He knew he wasn't going to get any further and it actually was late. "Alright, Sam." He put his hand on her shoulders and leaned down to give her a kiss on her cheek. "I love you. I just want you to be happy."

Sam smiled at him but her eyes remained dull. "I am happy, Dad."

What a lie.

SG1

Sam laid awake for a long time that night. Knowing her Dad was in her spare bedroom, her thoughts focused on him.

He'd been rather easy on her, actually, considering how terrible she knew she must look. Her team- former team- had actually not commented on her weight loss and general fatigue. Either its gradual nature or the fact they spent so much time away from her meant they had not noticed it. Or they had and had chosen not to comment. That thought hurt.

For her dad, though, the image must have been startling. She had to give him credit for not questioning her further. Although he had certainly questioned her on what she wished he hadn't; namely, her removal from the team and Colonel O'Neill. The loss of her team and any chance with the colonel were too painful to think much about.

She hated to think of what a disappointment she was to her father. If he knew what she'd done he would be disgusted. Not only had she acted like a stupid slut, but she had also lost her position on the team for being such an idiot.

She loved her dad but more than anything she just wanted him to go away so she could continue her misery in peace.

* * *

**Also, don't worry. I am not a fan of OCs and Audra will not frequent the fic. But you can't bring in a new team member and not mention them _at all._ **


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I didn't realize how long it had been since I posted. I'm sorry! My only explanation is it was my birthday 5/5 (22, yay!) and I just totally lost track of time. This is short but I promise there will be more later tonight or early tomorrow. This was just a good place to break up the chapter. Thanks to any reviewers, readers, and followers!**

* * *

"Hey, Jack," Jacob greeted. "Got a second?"

Jack nodded and watched as Jacob took a seat across from him at the commissary table. He had a feeling he knew what this would be about.

"What's going on with Sam?" Jacob jumped in.

Jack sighed. "We don't know."

Jacob gave him a disapproving face. "You can't tell me you haven't noticed anything."

"We have," Jack admitted. "But she hasn't told us what's going on."

"Jack, she looks terrible. You haven't asked?"

"Of course we have!" he defended. "We just thought it was because of her brother at first. But then, well, it got worse and now we don't really know what to do," he admitted, scratching at the back of his neck.

Jacob sighed. "She's certainly stubborn. I tried to talk to her but she didn't cave." After a moment he realized something else. "What about Mark?"

"What?"

"Why would Mark have anything to do with this?"

Jack frowned, confused. "Because of his accident?"

"What accident?"

"The one that he… had?" Suddenly it clicked. "Carter was upset weeks ago. She said her brother had been in an accident but that he was going to be okay."

"I just came from Mark's. He's fine, he was just on vacation, actually."

Jack let out a frustrated sigh and slouched down in his chair. He and Jacob sat in silence for a moment, trying to consider why Sam would blatantly lie to her CO's face.

"Look, Jack, I need to head back to the Tok'ra today. I wish I could stay but I can't. You need to figure out what's going on with Sam."

"Jake-" he began.

"Jack, she's my daughter," Jacob interrupted.

"I know."

"Please. I know you care about her," Jacob continued.

Jack felt like he was being accused of something. "Jacob, I don't-"

"I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I just want you to look out for her. She's my little girl."

He couldn't blame the man for wanting to protect his daughter. "I'll do my best," he promised.

He hoped his best would be good enough.

SG1

A mere 24 hours later Daniel heard one of the alarms go off and suddenly the air was pierced by the intercom system.

"Med team to Major Carter's lab!" Audra's voice demanded.

Daniel stopped and changed directions immediately before running in the direction of Sam's lab. He rushed through the doorway to see Sam on the floor with Audra kneeling next to her.

"What happened?" he asked, rushing over to check on his friend.

"I don't know, she just collapsed." She took a deep breath. "Her breathing and pulse are fine. I think she just fainted. I might have overreacted," Audra admitted.

"No, you did the right thing," Daniel told her.

The med team rushed in and Janet was immediately on Sam. "What happened?"

"She just collapsed," Audra repeated. "We weren't doing anything. We weren't even running an experiment yet."

The med team loaded her onto the stretcher and made their way down to the infirmary, Audra and Daniel in tow. When they rounded the corner they noticed Jack and Teal'c already present, expecting their arrival.

"She okay?" Jack asked.

Daniel shrugged. They all looked to Janet.

"I need to examine her. You all can wait over there," she herded them out of the way before pulling the curtain.

Twenty minutes later Janet informed them that Sam had indeed simply fainted. Five minutes after that they heard Sam waking up.

She blinked her eyes, adjusting to the lights. She turned her head and almost jumped, startled to see all of SG1 and Janet standing over her at her side.

"Uh, hi guys. What happened?"

"You fainted." Everyone could hear the disapproving tone in Janet's voice.

"Oh."

"I need to speak to my patient alone," Janet informed the crowd.

Sam managed a weak wave in response to the colonel's own. After the group left Janet immediately turned on Sam.

"Let me guess: you skipped lunch."

"I lost track of time," Sam told her. Actually, food held little appeal for her but she doubted Janet would approve of that.

"Sam, you can't keep doing this."

"I know." She mustered every ounce of sincerity she could and fed it into her voice. "I'll eat better, Janet. I promise."

Janet had her doubts but seeing as there was nothing physically wrong with Sam she told her she would release her in a few hours if she promised to go home. She wished she could do something but because Sam wasn't going off world anymore she really had no authority over her physical state.

Janet had been growing more and more concerned over recent weeks. After Sam's release that evening she sought out Daniel in his lab. He shared her concerns and told her that he would speak to Jack and Teal'c about it later that evening.

SG1

"Jack, something is definitely really wrong!" Daniel stressed.

"I know."

"She can't keep going like this!" Daniel continued.

"I _know_, Daniel." Jack sipped his beer in silence. The three of them were sitting in his living room basically having an intervention without Carter's presence.

"I just wonder what's wrong."

"Indeed," Teal'c chimed in. "It is not like Major Carter to collapse so, despite forgoing the occasional meal."

"Her brother was never in an accident," Jack informed them.

"What? How do you know?"

"Jacob."

"Oh," Daniel breathed. "Right." That added a new level of secrecy that he wasn't sure what to make of.

"Let's look at all the facts," Daniel reasoned. "When did she start acting strange?"

The others shrugged and shook their heads. Well, Jack did. Teal'c conveyed his uncertainty with a unique movement of his eyebrows and tilt of his head.

"A couple of weeks ago she was strange on the phone," Daniel remembered.

"Then she had that breakdown in her lab," Jack recalled. "Which apparently had nothing to do with her brother after all."

"Then she was just kinda quiet."

"And most secretive," Teal'c added. "Then she took her leave from SG1."

"She's been losing tons of weight since then," Jack remarked. He'd noticed. While he wouldn't say he checked Carter out all the time, he did stop every now and then to appreciate her features. Lately she'd been almost fragile looking.

"Perhaps she is ill," Teal'c suggested.

"You think?" Daniel wondered. "It would explain her appearance. And her leaving the team."

"I don't know," Jack disagreed. "If she were sick Fraiser would know about it. She's been just as worried as us. And why would that be a secret?"

They all absorbed his remark and sank deeper into their seats. They weren't getting anywhere, it seemed.

"Do you think…" Daniel paused.

"What?"

"I mean, I wouldn't expect it, but could she maybe be…"

"_What_ Daniel?" Jack was losing patience.

"Could she have an eating disorder?"

"No," Jack immediately replied before thinking about it a bit more.

"What is an eating disorder?" Teal'c asked.

"It's, uh, a condition where people eat too much or too little. A lot of times it's related to how they feel about their appearance or related to other illnesses like depression," Daniel tried to explain.

"I see." Teal'c didn't, but he let the conversation continue in the hopes to learn more.

"Carter? She's not exactly vain, Daniel." It was one of the reasons he liked her so much. He couldn't stand it when women took an hour to get ready to go to the store. They'd all seen each other at their worst and were beyond caring at this point.

"It might not be about just appearances, Jack. She's been pretty down lately."

Jack couldn't argue that. He'd seen her mope more in the past couple months than he had in the previous six years.

"We need to do something," Daniel insisted.

"I know," Jack responded, feeling like they were back at the start. "We should have done something earlier." In a way he had hoped Carter would snap out of it. It wasn't that he didn't care or wasn't concerned; he had just hoped it was something minor that she could resolve on her own. He was regretting this now and he pushed his guilt down.

"I'll check on her when I head home," Daniel said, standing up. "I have to take Teal'c back to base and I have to pass her neighborhood to get to my house."

They agreed to their temporary plan and said their goodbyes. Hopefully Daniel would get something out of her.

SG1

Sam heard her doorbell ring and shifted to look at the clock on her bedside table. It was only 6:15 but she had immediately gone to lay down on her bed when she'd gotten home. She grabbed a nearby pillow and placed it over her head, willing whoever was at the door to go away.

Daniel frowned as Sam didn't come to open the door. He knocked and waited a few more moments. He knew she had to be home because Janet had released her and her car was in her driveway. He grew concerned after a minute and decided to let himself in. He fumbled with his own keys in order to locate her spare but when he went to unlock the door he realized it was not locked at all. He turned the knob and went inside.

"Sam?" he called out. No response.

He made his way through the house and finally searched the last room- her bedroom. Walking in he saw that she was stretched out on her bed, facing away from the door.

"Sam?" he whispered. Maybe she was asleep, in which case he didn't want to disturb her.

"Go away, Daniel," she mumbled. Okay, apparently she was just awake and ignoring him.

"Are you okay?" He came into the room and sat on the edge of her bed. He couldn't see her face but he saw her shoulders hitch as she let out a bitter laugh.

"Never better," she bit out.

"Sam, what's wrong?" He put a hand on her shoulder but she rolled even further away from him, almost on her stomach now.

"Nothing's wrong, Daniel. I want to be alone."

"Something's wrong. We're all worried," he admitted. "Something's been wrong for a long time."

She didn't respond. Sam was almost beyond the point of caring. She'd tried to keep her secret but obviously the guys were still worried. There was no point in continuing to lie so she did the only thing she could: she outright denied anything was going on.

"No it hasn't."

"Your dad told Jack that your brother was never in an accident," Daniel tried.

"Oh." Daniel was sapping her energy. Why wouldn't he just leave her alone?

"Do you want to talk about that?" Daniel persisted.

"No." Sam's voice was mumbled into the pillow still on her face.

Daniel reached out to remove the pillow but Sam held on tighter and he gave in.

"Sam, please talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about." _God, just go away, Daniel. _

"There _is_. We all just want to help, Sam."

"You can't help me," came Sam's resigned voice.

"We can't if we don't know what's wrong," Daniel reasoned.

"You can't help me, Daniel!" she snapped. "No one can."

Daniel changed tactics. "Can you tell me why you won't tell me?"

"It's personal."

"We're friends, Sam. You can tell me anything."

"Not this," she insisted.

"Why not?"

Sam was silent and Daniel was beginning to get frustrated as well. She was so stubborn!

"What is so bad that you can't tell me? Sam, you're one of my best friends. You can tell me anything. I promise I won't judge."

Sam finally exploded. She had no idea where the strength came from, but she sat bolt upright and glared at Daniel. He was startled and jumped back a bit but met her gaze.

"I have HIV!" she snapped. "That's what's going on. I was a whore and I got HIV," she bit out. "And now I'm off the team and you guys barely even see me anymore and the only one who talks to me is Capaldi and I barely even know her!"

"Oh, Sam," he breathed out, totally shocked. He would never have guessed that in a million years. He watched as all the anger drained from her body and tears welled in her eyes.

Sam looked at Daniel as he processed what he said. When he didn't respond she collapsed back to the bed and sobbed. She hadn't meant to tell him but his nagging was pissing her off and she just couldn't take it anymore, dammit.

But it was as she feared. He was disgusted by her. She should have kept her mouth shut.

Daniel looked down at his distraught friend. "Sam," he said, trying to gain her attention. She continued to cry. "Sam, please look at me."

She shook her head and stayed where she was. He rubbed her back for a minute.

"Go away, Daniel," she gasped out.

"I don't think-"

"Leave me alone!"

Daniel didn't think that was a good idea but he could see that Sam was shutting down. Maybe it would be a good idea to allow her to get herself together a bit.

"Okay," he conceded. "I'll give you some time."

He squeezed her shoulder and left her room. He went into her living room and lay on her couch. There was no way he was leaving her in this state, especially after the bomb she had just dropped.

HIV. Wow, he never would have guessed that. His heart broke for her. She'd been going through this for months and never told them. She must be so scared.

If he listened closely he could hear her crying from her room. He wished she had told him sooner. All he could do was be there for her now.


	7. Chapter 7

A little over a half hour later Sam finally calmed down enough to think straight. Terror was beginning to set in. Daniel now knew and she hoped he hadn't yet had time to tell anyone else. She got out of bed and walked into the living room.

Daniel sat up when he saw her and waved her over. She sat down beside him and neither said anything for a few moments.

"Do you feel better?" "I'm sorry I yelled." They spoke simultaneously.

They laughed at their interrupting each other.

"It's okay, Sam. Really."

She nodded. "Please don't tell anyone else."

"They're you're friends. They'd want to know," Daniel argued.

"I don't want anyone to know. It's too embarrassing," she pleaded.

"Have you told anyone else?" he asked.

"General Hammond."

Daniel nodded. "I wish you had told me sooner," he told her.

"I couldn't."

"Because it's 'embarrassing'?" he questioned.

She sat back on the couch and pulled her legs underneath her, sensing Daniel was going to have a lot of questions.

She nodded to his question. "I was so stupid."

"What happened? If you want to tell me," Daniel added.

Sam searched his face but found only sincerity. She was still embarrassed but maybe it would help to get it off her chest.

"I went out to a bar. I took a guy home I'd met that night and we… had sex," she said awkwardly.

Daniel was a little surprised but tried not to let it show on his face. "It wasn't…" Daniel tried to think of a way to phrase this in the least awkward way. "Safe?"

"Condom broke," Sam grumbled.

_That was some bad luck _Daniel mused. "Oh, Sam," he sighed.

She took that as a sign of disapproval. "I know it was stupid, Daniel. Trust me, I know that now." Her voice cracked a little and she bit her lip.

"I'm not judging you, Sam. I'm just so sorry," Daniel reassured her. "I'm worried about you. And scared."

"I'm scared too."

They both sat on that for a while before Daniel finally broke the silence.

"You're not stupid, Sam."

"I am!" she insisted. "I should have known better. But I was just so… bored with life. All I did was work and I was just feeling stuck in a rut, I guess. The irony is now I miss my work. I miss being on the team."

"We miss you, too, Sam. But we're here for you. We haven't been around and I'm sorry. We just didn't know what to do. But, listen," he continued, grabbing her hand and making sure he had her attention. "You're not stupid. And you're not a whore or a terrible person or anything else. People make mistakes and things happen."

Sam nodded but she didn't really believe him. She sure felt like a dunce and unworthy and every other negative thing she could think about herself.

"Thanks, Daniel," she said instead.

He let it go for now, sensing she needed time to come to terms with her choices. He would too if he found out he had an incurable, possibly deadly disease.

Wait a minute. "Sam," he mused aloud. "Have you thought about the healing device?"

She froze. She hadn't actually. It sounded unbelievable but that thought hadn't even crossed her mind. She'd been so distraught and ashamed that she hadn't even thought of a way out. Not that she deserved one.

Still, hope blossomed in her chest for a glorious moment before it fizzled out.

"I haven't had great luck with it in the past," she recalled. "I doubt it would work."

"Have you tried?" Daniel insisted.

"No," she admitted. "But I don't think I can do it. I'm not sure it would even work on an infection like this."

"Nirrti was able to cure Cassandra."

"Yeah, but she had other tools to work with. And she was a Goa'uld. I've never had that kind of luck with it."

"Don't you think it's worth a try?" he gently persisted.

"Maybe," she said. In truth, she didn't feel worthy. So many people had contracted this illness and it didn't seem fair that she would get to be cured and they wouldn't solely because she had access to alien technology. If she could even be cured at all. She really wasn't sure she would be able to do it.

"I think you should! We can try tomorrow," Daniel said.

"I don't want anyone to know what I'm trying to do," Sam argued, but she was losing the fight against herself. She wanted to try.

"We won't tell them. You have access to it. If someone asks just say you're studying it or something."

It wasn't a bad idea. She tried to tell herself it wouldn't work. Hope was a dangerous thing to have and she wasn't sure she'd be able to take the disappointment.

Still, she agreed. Tomorrow they would try to use the healing device. In the meantime, Daniel stayed with her and had dinner. It was nice to have the company and she really felt a little better for telling Daniel. He seemed to not judge her and it was nice to finally let someone in. He even agreed to not tell anyone without her permission.

Maybe this would turn out okay after all.

SG1

No one spotted her taking the healing device from where it was stored. Daniel insisted on being with her when she tried to use it and so the two of them were hiding in one of the empty labs on another level. There were many rooms on the base that did not have security cameras simply because there were too many of them. More than twenty floors meant that security would never be able to monitor all the feeds.

She held the device in her hand. Daniel sat in front of her on a flimsy foldable table and was looking at her expectantly.

"Uh, whatcha waiting for?" he asked.

She was trying to gather her nerve. She'd thought about this for a long while after Daniel left the night before. She so wanted this to work but maintained her skepticism so that she wouldn't be too disappointed if it did not.

"Alright," Sam said. She held the device towards herself and closed her eyes to concentrate. The device lit up and she focused all of her energy on the device.

A minute later Daniel watched as she put the device down and sighed.

"It didn't work," she told him, unnecessarily.

"How do you know? Maybe you need to wait a while," he suggested.

"I just know. I could… feel it. It's hard to explain." She tried not to look too bummed but she was.

"Try it again," he insisted.

"Daniel, it's not going to work," she argued.

"Maybe not," he admitted. "But it won't hurt to try."

She scowled at him. Didn't he realize how hard he was making this? She could only handle so much hope being ripped from her. But he was only trying to help, and it couldn't hurt to try again so she held the device up and focused.

Several tries and forty five minutes later, Daniel finally conceded defeat.

"I just can't do it. And there's a lot we still don't know about these devices," Sam explained. "It might not be designed to do what we're trying to get it to do."

"Maybe the Tok'ra could help," Daniel suggested.

"No," Sam immediately responded. "Absolutely not."

"Sam, if they could help-"

"No," she firmly insisted. "We are not calling off world allies for something like this."

Daniel made to argue again but she cut him off. "Daniel, I'm going to be fine," she told him. "Really. I'm responding to the medications and my viral load is undetectable." That had been a small victory.

"You're skin and bones," he argued.

"That's not from the HIV," she admitted. "I just… haven't been eating. I'll do better."

He looked doubtful. After her secrecy as of late he wasn't sure when to believe her. "Promise?"

"I promise," she told him sincerely. "It helps, having someone else know," she smiled at him. Before he could say what she knew he was thinking she added, "but I'm not ready for anyone else to know."

"They're worried. What am I supposed to say?" He hated being in this position. He knew Jack and Teal'c were still extremely worried and he was a bit himself. But he couldn't betray her confidence.

"I don't know. Just say we talked about what's going on and that it's fine."

She waited for him to agree. After all, it really was the truth although she was sure the colonel would die from curiosity.

"I'm going to go put the device back. I'll see you later."

"I'll see you for lunch!" Daniel called out behind her.

"Alright!" she called back. For the first time in a while she was feeling up to it. The device hadn't worked, but maybe she didn't need it to. Daniel's support was bolstering her resolve and she really felt she would be okay.

SG1

"Daniel!" Jack caught him in the hallway.

"Jack." Daniel already looked guilty but he didn't do anything wrong. He just knew where this was headed and he didn't like that he was now "in" on the secret if it meant keeping it from the others.

"So…?" Jack wondered.

"So what?"

"Daniel!" Jack snapped. "Did you go over to Carter's last night?"

"Yes," Daniel hedged.

"So what happened?" he demanded.

"I talked to her," Daniel admitted. "She opened up to me about what's going on."

"That's great!" Jack enthused. "Okay, so what is it?"

"I… promised I wouldn't say." Daniel began to walk faster down the corridor.

"You what now? For crying out loud, Daniel, this is nuts! Tell me!"

"Jack, I can't. It's something Sam needs to tell you."

Jack sighed. "Fine, I'll talk to her myself."

"Just…" Daniel paused, trying to think of a delicate way to put this, "tread lightly. I'll talk to her, try to convince her to talk to you. She's really upset and it's really personal."

Jack frowned. "I can be sensitive."

Daniel gave him a doubtful look and they stared at each other for a moment.

"Bye, Jack," Daniel concluded before they diverted at the next hallway.

SG1

The next day Daniel tried to soften Sam up to the idea of telling Jack and Teal'c but she insisted she wasn't ready. Jack, however, was like a bloodhound on a trail. He spent a good deal of his time scrutinizing Carter before she eventually shooed him out of her lab.

He did manage to catch her as she left the base that night. Actually, he waited until he knew she was leaving and then left at the same time.

"Carter!" he called, jogging a bit through the parking lot to catch up.

She heard her name and turned back before waiting obediently. "Hi, sir."

Now that he had her attention he wasn't sure how to begin. "So, uh, it's been a while since I've seen you."

"You saw me earlier, sir."

"Right," he nodded. "I mean… it's been a while since we talked."

"I suppose so," she agreed. She had a feeling he'd spoken to Daniel but the unsure and curious look on his face told her he hadn't learned anything.

"Yeah, so, want to have some dinner? Grab a beer? Catch up?" he asked before he mentally cringed.

Her heart skipped a beat before she realized he probably just wanted to interrogate her, not "have dinner" in the sense that she wished.

It actually had been a while since they had spent much time together alone. Usually he was off world with the rest of the team or she was avoiding them. Other times they would all have lunch together, sometimes even with Capaldi, though it was rarely just the two of them.

She was actually feeling up to it. Daniel's positive response, like General Hammond's, had left her spirits high. She was by no means "better" but for the first time she felt maybe her life wasn't over.

"Alright, sir, that would be nice."

Jack sighed a breath of relief before they decided that they would head to hers for dinner. If one of them had to drive home after a beer, he would rather it be him and his larger frame.

SG1

He continued to scrutinize her over dinner. Instead of being irritating, she almost found it amusing. She let him stare at her all he wanted just to see how long it would take him before he said something.

They made it all the way through dinner before he finally broached the subject.

"So, Carter…" he started. She glanced up at him and could practically see him trying to think of what to say. "Daniel says you talked to him."

"I did," she confirmed.

He frowned. "So, do you want to tell me what's going on?"

"I… I'm not ready to tell you," she told him.

"You told Daniel," he pointed out.

"That's different." She leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms over her chest.

"How?" he said, a little offended.

She picked up on his tone and put her arms in her lap to a less hostile position. "Daniel's just so… Daniel," she tried to explain. "He just listens and nods. And he caught me at a bad time," she added.

Jack could see where she was coming from but persisted. "You could tell me anything, Sam." She continued to look doubtful so he went on, "I'm just worried about you."

"I know, sir," she nodded. "I'll be okay," she promised.

But he'd been down this road before and wasn't sure that he trusted her. At least, he didn't trust her with her own wellbeing.

"It hasn't seemed that way so far," he argued, trying his very best to remember Daniel's advice and to remain calm.

She didn't really have a defense to that. She leaned forward and put her head on her hand, elbow on the table.

"I know," she admitted. "But I really am okay now. And Daniel knows what's going on." She could see he was about to interrupt and rushed on, "And I will tell you guys, just not yet."

He wasn't really happy with that. He already felt like he should have forced her to talk sooner but he also didn't want to make her talk when she wasn't ready. He wasn't sure what to do but he figured he could continue to keep an eye on her and pester Daniel if necessary. She did seem happier; the sparkle was back in her eyes for the first time in a long time.

"Alright," he conceded. "But my door's always open."

"Thank you, sir." She got up to get them beers, feeling like maybe this wasn't the end of the world.

SG1

A week later Sam finally gave in when it came to getting "the five" of them together. That Friday night Sam, Daniel, Teal'c, Jack, and Audra were having a pizza night at Jack's house. Sam was still a little uncomfortable around the newest SG1 member but she couldn't avoid her. She didn't even want to anymore since they had been spending time in the lab but she also didn't really know how to act around her. Audra always (correctly) deferred to Sam because of her rank but at the same time Sam felt like Audra considered Sam the "real" fourth member of SG1. Part of Sam was glad about that and part of her knew that that wasn't fair to Capaldi.

"Here you go, ma'am," Capaldi said as she sat Sam's diet soda in front of her. They were all sitting in the living room on various pieces of furniture. Teal'c was in a recliner in the corner and the colonel was in the other chair to the side. Daniel sat on the floor using the coffee table as a dining table and Audra and Sam took up residence on the couch.

"You don't have to call me that," Sam told her. "Sam is fine when we're off duty."

"Okay," Audra agreed, taking her place next to Sam and beginning to devour her slice of pizza.

"I tell you that all the time, Carter," Jack said.

He did, but she'd always insisted on calling him by rank. It helped to keep them professional even when they were relaxing. Relaxing around him was dangerous.

"You call me Carter," she pointed out. He'd called her Sam in the beginning, she remembered. Then he stopped almost entirely, probably for the same reasoning she had.

"Fine, _Sam_," he stressed.

She paused. There really was no reason to keep up the formalities. She wasn't in his chain of command anymore.

"Fine, _Jack_," she parroted, noting his surprised look. It felt weird to call him by name but at the same time it was nice. They'd been following protocol for so long, though, that it would be hard to remember.

Daniel was studiously not looking at them but she suspected he was trying not to smile. Audra looked confused, not recognizing the significance of the exchange.

"Well alright then," Jack said. "What are we gonna watch?"

Sam tried her best to keep her smile hidden but she continued to grin against her will.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Thank you to the reviewers and people reading. I spent a good portion of yesterday writing so I have probably two more updates after this that will be posted soon.****Some notes: I don't think Jack is intentionally rude or judgmental. I think he doesn't always think before he speaks and you see that here. Also, Daniel is usually nice and agreeable but Jack has pushed him too far in the past and does so again here.**

* * *

Sam had been feeling better in the past month than she had in a while. SG1 still went off world but they had been spending more and more time with her. She really felt like everything was going to be okay. Daniel had again suggested contacting the Tok'ra but she had refused. There was no way she was going to inconvenience them for something like this. Still, the thought lingered in her mind.

Sam wandered into the commissary for a snack and heard some of the people talking at a nearby table.

"I heard someone on base has AIDS!" the male major of SG12 yell-whispered.

"What?!" his teammates exclaimed. Sam's heart rate doubled as she continued to eavesdrop. She grabbed her snack and quickly made her way to a nearby table so she could hear better.

"How do you know?" the lieutenant asked.

"My buddy's wife is a nurse at the academy hospital," he said. "She said someone has been going there for treatment and they work here in the mountain."

The others looked at him with awe and disgust on their faces. "Do you know who it is?"

"Nah," he said and Sam took a breath of relief. "His wife is real by-the-book, wouldn't break confidentiality. But still, can you believe it? Don't we get tested for that shit?"

The others nodded. Lieutenant Baker added, "Yeah, but maybe it's being kept quiet. Or maybe they will get discharged."

"Still, man," Major Williams continued, "that freaks me out. I don't want to have to worry about getting infected when I'm just doing my job. I want to know who it is before I risk my neck for some other team and get bitten in the ass. We shouldn't have that around. Weird shit happens all the time, we don't need to worry about AIDS blood or something when some alien attacks the base and shit is happening."

The rest of his team similarly agreed. Sam thought she was going to hurl but forced herself to not storm from the room in despair. She didn't want to start acting suspiciously now. Eventually SG12 left and Sam was finally able to escape to her lab.

Once inside she was relieved to see that no one was there. She sat at her lab bench and just stared into space, her thoughts running wild. She was terrified that someone would find out that it was her. It didn't seem like anyone knew but people were going to ask questions.

She tried to calm down and mostly succeeded. She started working on the power core of one of the generators that had malfunctioned, hoping that this would all blow over.

SG1

The rumor did anything but blow over. In fact, before two days was up it was all any of the base was talking about.

Anywhere she went it seemed people were speculating. Most were curious as to the identity of the person but a lot of the talk was tinged with ridicule and disgust. It alternately saddened her and pissed her off that people were so narrow-minded. At the same time, she partly agreed with some of the sentiments of how stupid the person was and began to see her jovial mood of recent weeks disappear.

SG1 had been off world when most of the rumors began and returned only when talk was in full swing. Audra came to the lab to assist her with some simple "gadget-fixing" as the colonel called it. The colonel tagged along because he was bored and Daniel had accompanied the group with a few books to work on some translations for SG8. Daniel placed some coffee in front of her and she gave him a warm smile as he walked by and patted her shoulder.

The colonel spun in a chair as Audra tinkered with a circuit board. Daniel was hunched over a book.

"So, what's new around here, Carter?" the colonel asked.

"Not a whole lot, sir," Sam replied. "Just working through the backlog." She gestured at various pieces of technology that were only partially reassembled.

"Uh, boring," he replied but she could tell that he was just teasing her.

"Did you guys hear the latest rumor?" Audra spoke up. Sam felt her stomach begin to do cartwheels in her abdomen.

"What rumor?" Daniel absently asked.

"Apparently someone on base has HIV!" Audra exclaimed, clearly pleased to be up on information that the rest of them were apparently not.

"What?" Daniel turned his full attention to the captain. "Who?" he asked, and Sam had to give him credit for not looking at her and maintaining his composure.

Audra shrugged. "No one knows."

"But there's talk," Jack guessed.

"Oh, yes, sir," she agreed. "People are betting it's Lieutenant Graham since he seems kinda…" she searched for the right word.

"Flamboyant?" Jack supplied.

"Seriously?" Daniel asked, disapproving of the gossip.

"The wonders of Don't Ask Don't Tell," Jack semi-joked.

Sam didn't even know what to say to that because she was so shocked the colonel said it. She didn't think he was necessarily being rude on purpose, but to her already raw nerves the comment sounded homophobic and judgmental.

"I'm curious who it is," Audra continued.

"Why?" Sam asked, hoping her tone sounded normal.

"Well… I mean, shouldn't we know?" Audra stammered, sounding very much like she thought her reasoning was obvious.

"We get shot at all the time," the colonel expanded. "There's a chance a lot of people could be infected in the field. There's no reason to have HIV-positive people in the service."

"You're an ass, Jack," Daniel fumed. He knew that Jack didn't know of Sam's status but he knew Jack's talk must be killing her and he leapt to her defense.

Jack was surprised by the vehemence of Daniel's response. "Uh, what did I say?"

"What about people who are positive but aren't in the field?" Daniel asked instead.

"Look, there will always be a risk, especially around here," Jack said. "What about some crazy lab accident or something?"

"What are you talking about?" Daniel breathed, exasperated.

"I'm just saying unpredictable things happen here," Jack explained. "Better safe than sorry."

"So because someone has a virus they can't serve their country like anyone else just because some crazy hypothetical situation could occur?" Daniel continued.

"I-" Jack started but was promptly cut off.

"Maybe you should be more concerned with this person's wellbeing than with the zero chance you could catch it," Daniel plowed on.

"Hey, I didn't put them in this position," Jack defended himself. He was getting fed up of being attacked. "They didn't want this to happen, they should have watched where they stuck it!"

"So they deserve it?" Daniel asked in disbelief.

"I'm not saying they deserve it," Jack said. "I'm just saying that maybe they should have thought ahead!"

"Oh, that's rich, Jack," Daniel blurted without thinking. "You've never made a huge mistake that changed your life- or someone else's?"

For a second Sam thought the colonel was going to punch him. Instead he got this eerie calm in his eyes and said coldly, "That's different."

In for a penny, in for a pound apparently. To Sam and Audra's surprise, Daniel didn't heed the warning tone and continued on, trying to make his point. "That's right, it is," Daniel agreed. "Whoever has HIV here on base only hurt themselves. Your mistake affected your whole family."

Sam's mouth dropped open in shock. She never in a million years could have pictured Daniel saying that. Audra didn't know what they were talking about, not knowing about the colonel's son and past, but she still looked distinctly uncomfortable, sensing the tension.

The colonel looked similarly shocked but mostly pissed. "Screw you, Daniel," he ground out before getting up and leaving in a huff.

They watched him leave and she noticed Daniel seemed to sink in his chair. "I can't believe I said that," Daniel muttered, resting his head down on his folded and crossed arms on top of the desk.

"I'm just gonna…" Audra pointed to the doorway.

Daniel recovered himself. "You shouldn't get involved in the rumors, Audra," he told her, in a much calmer voice. "Whoever it is has enough to worry about without hearing people gossip about them."

Audra nodded and almost bolted out of the room yet still took the time to respectfully close the door behind her. Sam looked over at Daniel as he stared at the doorway.

"Thank you," Sam whispered.

Daniel turned to her and gave her a weak smile. "He just is so infuriating sometimes!"

Sam went to speak but found her throat was beginning to clog with tears. The last two days were catching up with her. The colonel's opinion was crushing, as well. She had hoped that maybe _maybe_ they could still have a future together, especially after the last "team" night. But today she'd heard his opinion on HIV and it wasn't what she wanted to hear.

"Hey," Daniel caught her attention, looking at her with concern.

"I was gonna tell him," Sam said, pushing her tears back. "But now I can see what he thinks about it. Apparently we should all just be locked away!" her voice cracked and Daniel rolled his chair over to her so that he could rub her back. A few tears broke free against her will.

"I don't think he thinks that," Daniel said.

She shook her head. "You heard him!" she sobbed out, beginning to lose her composure completely.

"He doesn't," Daniel insisted. "I just don't think he knows much about it. I'm sure if he and others were more educated about it they wouldn't have such horrible opinions."

Sam just shook her head but her crying thankfully began to slow. "Maybe, but that doesn't really help the situation."

Daniel handed her a tissue and she wiped her face and blew her nose. "No," he admitted. "But you should give him a chance. How much did you know about it before?"

"Not a lot," she admitted.

"Then Jack knows even less," Daniel joked and she laughed at his cheap dig.

"I guess," she said.

"Don't blame him yet. He might surprise you. He thinks the world of you, Sam."

Sam nodded but wasn't completely convinced. Daniel leaned back in his chair and rubbed his face. "I should go apologize," Daniel said. "I can't believe I said that to him."

"I can't believe you did either," Sam said, earning her a glare.

"Very supportive," Daniel said.

"Sorry," she laughed. "Just give him a while to cool off," Sam suggested.

Daniel agreed and they each went back to their tasks. Even though she had found support in Daniel, she doubted that anyone would begin to speak more kindly. And she still felt the weight of the colonel's words.

SG1

It frustrated her how easily her mood changed. Just over a week ago she was feeling almost happy. But then the base rumors started and she realized that she hadn't even come close to accepting her diagnosis.

The colonel's words had hurt her deeply. More than she had even let on to Daniel. He hadn't really even said anything too horrible. From what she could remember he had only said he didn't think people who were positive should remain in the military.

But what disheartened her the most was his clear worry about infection. If he was afraid of being infected by someone on base (an incredibly unlikely scenario) then there was no way he would ever want to make a relationship with her work. She also couldn't even blame him; she wouldn't want to knowingly put herself at risk either. The people on base were obviously ignorant and fearful of the disease, but perhaps they were rightly so. In any case it made her feel horrible about herself. She was supposedly more than just her infection but she knew no one else would see it that way and it was starting to feel that way to her too.

Daniel had tried to put her at ease after it happened and she loved him for it. He'd been nothing but supportive since he had known. But Daniel was a special case as he saw the best in everyone. Having spent so much of his life an outcast, he would never single any one out or look down on them. But she realized that Daniel was the exception, not the rule, and that made it worse. No "normal" people would be able to see past her infection.

She wanted so badly to be able to go back in time. Funny how that only happened when they didn't want it to.

SG1

"Jack," Daniel called as he knocked on the door. He let two days pass before he finally gathered the courage to apologize to him but he wasn't convinced that was enough time.

Jack opened the door and gave him a blank look. He gave him a once over before silently opening the door wider and waving him in.

"Beer?" he asked as he went into the kitchen.

"No, thanks," Daniel responded, remaining near the entrance to the living room.

Jack walked back by him and Daniel followed to take a seat on the couch as Jack sat in the recliner.

Jack sipped his beer for a moment and Daniel finally couldn't take the silence any more.

"Jack, I'm sorry. I should never have said what I did the other day."

Jack didn't respond but swirled his beer around. He really didn't want to have this conversation but he knew Daniel would explode if he couldn't get his apologies out.

"I didn't mean it," Daniel continued. "I was just worked up. I'm _sorry_." Jack still didn't respond for a moment and Daniel didn't know what else to say. Finally, he was granted a reprieve.

"You weren't wrong, Daniel," Jack told him.

"What? Yes, I was."

"No, you weren't."

"Yes, I w_as_!"

"Daniel!" Jack snapped. "You weren't." Daniel frowned but let him continue. "I did make a horrible mistake and now my son is dead. I know you didn't mean to say it, but you were right; it was my fault."

"That's not the point I was trying to make," Daniel argued. "I just meant… look, Jack, did you make a mistake? Maybe, I don't know all the details. But I do know that it was an accident. I just wanted to say that people make mistakes all the time and we shouldn't judge them for it."

"I get your point, Daniel."

"Do you?"

"Yes," Jack told him honestly. "It's too easy to forget your own mistakes when you hear about others'."

"It is," Daniel agreed.

They both sat in silence for a moment but Daniel knew he was forgiven. Jack was good about not holding grudges. Unless you were Maybourne.

Jack sat lost in thought for a moment. Daniel had been angry at him- like _reall_yangry. He wouldn't have brought up his son unless he had been livid.

"Daniel, is it you?"

"Huh?"

"Is that why you were so ticked? Are you the one with HIV?" Jack clarified.

"Why would I go to the academy hospital?" Daniel said.

"Right," Jack realized. "But you know who it is, don't you?"

Daniel was caught off guard and Jack read the answer on his face before he could even think to lie.

"You do!" And that was the moment everything clicked. "Oh my god," he said. "It's Sam, isn't it?"

Daniel paused a moment but he knew there was no point in denying it. He didn't think he could convincingly lie at this point and he knew that Sam needed more support than he could give her alone. And he didn't really tell Jack. He figured it out.

"Yes."


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I know people probably have some big hopes for this next part and I really tried. Jack's thoughts are harder to write than I anticipated so I'm sorry if this doesn't seem realistic. I just don't really see him having that hard a time dealing with it once he gets over his initial shock. You guys can agree or disagree in the reviews.**

**Also, I thank all the reviewers! I really think about what you guys say and have gone back at times to add or change things based on your opinions and my thoughts. **

* * *

Jack sat in stunned silence for a moment and didn't know what to say. He just couldn't believe it.

"Are you okay?" Daniel asked.

"You should be asking Carter that."

"I do. Frequently."

"Is she?"

"I think she's getting better," Daniel told him. "But the rumors on base have gotten to her, I think."

"No wonder you thought I was being an ass," Jack said. "You should have smacked me."

"I knew- and so did she- that you and Audra weren't trying to be hurtful."

Jack scoffed. He couldn't believe this was happening. He couldn't believe he'd been so flippant when she was in the room as they unknowingly talked about her.

"I have to apologize to her," he said.

"No!" Daniel said. "You can't tell her you know. She still doesn't want anyone to know."

"What? Daniel, come on. This has gone on long enough, don't you think?"

He did, but that wasn't his choice to make. "It's important that she feels ready to tell you guys and gets to do so in her own time."

"Are you Dr. Phil? She needs friends now," he argued.

"She does. But, Jack, she cares a lot about your opinion. She's been afraid of letting you down," Daniel explained.

"That's ridiculous."

"Which part?" he frowned.

"The whole part!" Jack gestured with his hands in a way that indicated the whole room. "Why does she care what I think?"

"Because you're important to her! Just like she's important to you," he emphasized. He noticed Jack looked distinctly uncomfortable. "I know you guys don't talk about it, but it's true. And she's afraid you'll think she's disgusting and abandon her."

"That's ridiculous," Jack repeated.

"To you. But it's a real fear to Sam."

Jack took a moment to let this sink in. "She should have friends there for her."

"I agree. But she's gonna be devastated if she finds out you know. It'll completely blindside her and I don't think she can handle it now with all the rumors."

Jack still didn't really get the point but he did mostly trust Daniel's judgment. "Alright," he conceded. "For now. But I'm gonna keep an eye on her."

"I'd expect nothing less."

SG1

After Daniel left that night he spent a long time thinking. He seriously couldn't believe that Sam was the one with HIV. He probably would have guessed her last if he had to compile a list of suspects.

God, what was he even supposed to say to her? He had trouble getting his mind around it and he was sure she was having an ever harder time.

He thought about what he had said the other day in her lab. Did he really think people with HIV shouldn't serve? It was obvious that she had switched off SG1 because of her infection. The military apparently had no problem letting her work in the lab.

Part of him said that he would want people with HIV out of the military. The idea made him nervous. He remembered when HIV was first being talked about and people were dying quickly. The Ryan White case jumped into his mind. Charlie had been a few years younger than that boy and he had thought about it then. Would he have wanted his son around him? His instincts said no at first but the more he thought about it the more he realized he was being unfair. Simply being around the person wasn't a danger, surely. He remembered that it transmitted through fluids. But it was hard to stop that automatic reaction that said "danger!"

He supposed Carter in the SGC wasn't a danger, no more than anyone else. It's not like you could avoid people with infections anyway. Odds were he had passed positive people on the street and never known. He cringed at what he said to Daniel about a freak accident occurring. That was a risk of anything and you couldn't avoid people all of the time. It just wasn't possible.

Not that he wanted to avoid Carter. She was still _Carter_. But now she was also Carter who had HIV. His thoughts, naturally, turned more selfish. How would this affect him? He'd always hoped they would end up together. Did he still want to be with her? What if he got it?

All this thinking was giving him a headache. He figured that nothing had to be decided tonight. The one thing he knew was that Sam would need support and that was something he could definitely provide.

SG1

"Hey, Carter," the colonel greeted her later that week. He walked into her lab and touched some of the items on her lab bench.

"Hi, sir," she replied. "How's… everything?" She wanted to ask about him and Daniel but wasn't brave enough. She could just ask Daniel later.

"Good."

"Good."

Jack paused, not sure what to say to her. She didn't know that he knew but he did know and not saying that he knew was killing him! He stared at her, trying to read the truth in her body language.

Sam shifted self-consciously under his gaze. "Uh, is there something I can do for you, Colonel?"

He shook his head as if trying to focus his thoughts. "Lunch later?"

"I'm kinda busy, sir," she lied. He frowned and she saw him look around her lab at the various pieces of equipment lying around.

"With what?" he asked. Considering he'd watched her sip coffee and stare at her turned off laptop for five minutes before he gathered the courage to walk, he seriously doubted her statement.

"I have some things for SG4 I need to work on," she said. She could tell he didn't believe her but he wisely chose not to push it.

"Alright, maybe tomorrow?" he asked.

"Yeah, maybe" she dismissed, turning back to her laptop to turn it on. Jack was confused but respected her wishes and left.

Sam was surprised by her own words and tone. She hadn't planned on being rude to him but she was still so hurt by his words that she couldn't help it. She hated that she cared so much what he thought and she was punishing him for it. It wasn't fair and she knew it.

She sighed, her little outburst dissolving her anger. None of this was his fault. And she hated to admit it, but she did love when he sought her out. It only happened occasionally but it really did make her feel special when he went out of his way to spend time with her. She rolled her eyes at her girlish thoughts and turned to her laptop, trying to use her work to distract her.

SG1

The next day Jack tried again with Carter. He was pretty sure her negative reaction yesterday was due to his talk a few days earlier and he couldn't blame her. When he thought of the situation he wanted to punch himself. He couldn't even apologize to her because he wasn't supposed to know.

He couldn't verbally apologize but he could be nice to her. Not that he was ever rude to her (at least not intentionally), but he could go out of his way a little. He'd been married for over ten years and knew how to grovel when he needed to.

He brought her coffee that morning. Not the sludge the SGC served but he actually stopped at a coffee place and bought her favorite: cream and that other girl froth that she loved. He got her a muffin as well. He felt a little bad leaving Daniel out but dismissed those thoughts. Daniel would understand.

"Thank you, sir!" Sam smiled, reaching out to take the drink from him. He placed the muffin in front of her. Sam was secretly extremely pleased but tried not to look too happy. That would just be embarrassing.

"No problem," he waved his hand. "I stopped there this morning."

"You did?" Sam asked. "Where's yours, sir?"

"I… drank it in the car," he said.

"Well, thank you, sir," she said sincerely. She thought it was sweet but would never say that to his face.

"No problem, Carter. I'll see you later," he said as he made his escape.

Sam continued to sip her delicious beverage after he left. She was sure it tasted better solely because he brought it for her. She wasn't sure why he was being so nice, but she was enjoying it, especially since she had been so rude to him the day before.

Was that why he was being so nice today? Because he sensed her iciness the day before? She didn't think that he was that good at reading people but maybe she was wrong. You don't make Colonel by being stupid, no matter what he wanted them to think.

SG1

People on base were still talking, but the rumors seemed to be dying down. There were only so many times you could speculate about the person's identity with no new information before it became boring.

For Sam, though, the damage was done. She had heard so much negativity in the past week that she didn't even want to go to work anymore. It didn't help that she didn't have anything pressing to work on in the lab. Like the colonel had noticed, she had a lot of things she could be working on sitting around the lab but none of it really needed to be done with any kind of haste.

The colonel had been exceedingly courteous to her the other day. After he brought her breakfast he came at lunch to ask her to the commissary. Unlike the day before, she joined him, pleased that he was wanting to spend time with her.

Still, by Friday the phase had apparently worn off. She wasn't surprised and it was nice while it lasted. But the change reminded her that he would probably be interacting with her very differently if he knew that she was the one with HIV. Everyone would. No one would probably even sit with her, even though the risk of getting infected was effectively zero. But fear was something that had an isolating effect.

That weekend, days after the rumors started and days after the blowup between the colonel and Daniel, she laid in bed and cried. She didn't even know it was possible to cry as much as she did that weekend. She barely got up except to use the bathroom and get some water. She ate something for dinner on Saturday but that was only because she had it delivered. She nibbled at her pizza in bed, too upset to really have an appetite.

Sunday night she mustered up the energy to take a shower. By 6 pm she was in bed for the night, feeling like she couldn't sleep enough.

SG1

Jack and Daniel spent the weekend more constructively. On Friday Daniel had suggested to him that perhaps he should learn a little more about HIV while he waited for Sam to finally tell him.

"What, there's homework now?" he joked.

"Do you want to help Sam or not?" Daniel asked.

"Geesh, I was kidding," he held his hands up.

"Sorry," Daniel said. "I just think it's a good idea."

"Yeah, alright," he agreed. He didn't really know that much about it if he was honest. If he really thought about it he could see his own views had come out in recent days. He had initially agreed with the assessment that Lieutenant Graham was a likely candidate, having automatically assumed there was a closeted soldier on base. Then he'd found out it was Sam and he was thrown. He knew that if he knew more about it he would have a better idea of where to go from here.

"We'll go to my place," Jack said.

"For what?"

"You want to research don't you?" Jack said.

"I've done a little already," Daniel said.

"Well, good. You can help me with the learnin'," Jack said. "Bring food."

That was how Daniel ended up at Jack's house later that night. To Daniel's surprise Jack actually did own a computer. He had brought his own laptop so that Jack could print off some of his own research that he had saved to his computer.

They ate in the spare bedroom as Jack turned on the computer in the corner. It had a fine layer of dust on it, as did the desk it was sitting on. Daniel was sure he would be sneezing shortly.

"Why is there a computer in here?" he asked.

"Why not?" Jack countered.

"It's a guest bedroom,' Daniel said, stating the obvious.

"So it is," Jack agreed.

"Well, how would you use it if you had a guest staying here?" Daniel wondered.

"I never use it," Jack said. "And I never have guests. Besides your lightweight self who always crashes on the couch."

Daniel gave him a dirty look but knew that he was right. He did have a tendency to fall asleep on his couch after drinking. It was a source of amusement to his team that Sam easily outdrank him, despite him being male and having forty or fifty pounds on her. They suspected Audra could outdrink him too which was just downright insulting. She didn't drink for what she cited as "personal reasons" so would have no tolerance. She was tiny, too, probably only 5 foot 2 and 110 pounds.

"Do you have a printer?" Daniel asked.

Jack reached over and knocked some of the junk off of the desk, revealing a similarly dusty printer. "Yep."

Daniel rolled his eyes. "I have some research I've found that I've saved along with some of my own notes. I'll print it for you."

He set about figuring out the printer, Jack being no help. He hooked his laptop up and was able to print with relative ease, though. Jack began his own search on the internet.

"I didn't know a lot of this," Jack said some time later. Daniel had sat on the end of the bed and was reading over Jack's shoulder. Jack may have a computer but he didn't have wifi so they were forced to share the computer on the desk.

"Which part?" Daniel asked.

"I mean, I knew that you could get it from sex and needles. I didn't know the transmission rates were so low," Jack clarified.

"That surprised me, too," Daniel said. It really had. He always assumed that it was pretty easy to contract but that wasn't the case. The statistics he read said that antiretrovirals greatly reduced the risk too.

"Wow, it's only 4 in 10,000," Jack said.

"What is?"

"The risk is only 4 per 10,000 acts of insertive penile-vaginal intercourse," Jack read from the CDC website. That was way lower than he had pictured. In fact, every site he went on said that the virus, when precautions were taken, was not very transmissible. He definitely realized how overly cautious he had been the other day. There was no reason Carter shouldn't be able to still do her job. The likelihood of being infected even through intimate contact was slim; it was just not going to happen through anything casual.

"That's really low," Daniel observed. "Is that with condoms and antiretrovirals?" Daniel clarified.

Jack scrolled the page. "I'm not sure."

He clicked back and brought up another page with transmission statistics. "This study says 1 in 2500 for the same act."

"That's the same probability as 4 in 10,000," Daniel said.

"Right," Jack said. He didn't realize that. Math wasn't his best subject but he wasn't going to tell Daniel that.

"Look up the risk with antiretrovirals specifically," Daniel suggested.

"You know," Jack observed, "this is probably a moot point."

"Why's that?" Daniel asked.

"I may never need to know these numbers," Jack said. They were kind of assuming that he would one day be at risk.

"Oh, please, Jack, you know that's not true. And when it comes up it will help if you have already made a decision."

Jack continued to click away and he and Daniel both learned a lot. Even the unprotected sex rates were lower than they thought, one source saying only 1 in 2000 for an infected female to male.

"This is interesting," Daniel said, having taken over the clicking when he got tired of how slow Jack was with the computer.

"What?"

"PrEP," Daniel said absently as he read ahead a little.

"What?" Jack repeated, leaning over to look at the screen better. He bumped into Daniel and when he turned to look at him in annoyance Jack realized how close their faces were. He backed up awkwardly.

"PrEP. It's apparently pre-exposure prophylaxis. Uninfected people can take a medication to reduce the likelihood of being infected. The pill is called Truvada and you take it once a day."

"That's pretty cool," Jack admitted.

"There is a post-exposure one too. Like if someone was raped and went to the hospital for treatment. Or if they had a risky encounter and wanted to be cautious."

"I'm assuming Carter got it from sex, right?"

Daniel hesitated. "She did," he informed him. Jack knew she hadn't had any blood transfusions lately or done any drugs. He wasn't telling him anything he didn't already know. "That's part of the reason why she feels so horrible," Daniel said.

"Why?"

"She told me she was a whore," Daniel admitted. "For contracting it."

"What? That's nuts." Jack didn't get it.

"Think about it, Jack," Daniel said. "Women get ridiculed all the time for behaving the same as men sexually. It's a double standard. Sam is buying into it. I think being infected kinda feels like punishment to her for having a one night stand."

"People have sex all the time, Daniel."

"Yeah, but women are supposed to have fewer partners and enjoy it less. Admit it, how many times have you thought worse of a woman for doing the same things you have?"

Jack did think about it and felt like a huge hypocrite. "I didn't mean to." He mostly didn't, now. He probably did in his 20s. It was just a kind of snap judgment that happened before you even realized.

"I don't think most people do. But it's hard to think outside cultural 'truths' and come to a different conclusion."

They read on and eventually switched over to YouTube. Some people had posted videos explaining their own experiences finding out they were positive and living with it. Jack and Daniel were fascinated, hoping to gain some insight into Sam's state of mind.

Back in the text world of the internet they read about others' stories. They both got to the end of one college student's story and looked at each other. The 19 year old contracted the infection after sleeping with a few women at his university.

"Wow," Jack said. "Do you feel like you dodged some bullets in your life?"

"A little," Daniel replied.

"I've had some one night stands," Jack confessed. "That could have been me. I never thought to ask people to get tested. I don't think I was ever tested before I was in the military."

"I slept with Sha're," Daniel said. "We obviously didn't have condoms. I don't know what the Abydonians have disease-wise but it could be something equally bad."

Jack thought of Laira and agreed silently with Daniel. This whole thing was certainly opening his eyes a little.

"Everyone on base is acting like Sam is some terrible idiot for contracting it. They don't realize this could have been them. I mean, they're condemning Sam for acts they have probably done themselves! They just got lucky. I doubt most people ask for proof of testing before they sleep with someone," Daniel ranted.

He was right. But Jack knew that people were experts at being hypocrites, usually through ignorance like he himself was guilty of at times.

They did a little more research on the health effects. Apparently it was more treatable now than they had thought. Jack remembered some horror stories from the 80s. Now one study said that people with HIV and appropriate treatment will likely have an almost normal lifespan. Daniel told him Sam was taking medication and was doing well which helped to put Jack's mind at ease.

"Do you still want to be with Sam?" Daniel finally asked.

"Yes," Jack said. He wasn't making a rushed decision. He knew that he had been a little freaked when Daniel had told him about her HIV, but now he actually had real information. It wasn't a cakewalk, but it wasn't this horrible disease that would jump from her and infect him and result in his untimely death either.

"Even with the possible risk?"

"Yes," Jack said. "It's lower than I thought. I'm comfortable with that level of risk. Even if it were higher I think I'd probably still say yes. I've always wanted her," Jack said. "This doesn't change that." He figured he has enough of his own baggage. He wasn't happy this was happening but at the same time it wasn't something that he couldn't get past or work through with her. In truth he thought Carter was being harder on herself than anyone else could be.

"Good," Daniel said. "I think one day she'll really need to hear that."

* * *

**So there it is. All of the stats in this chapter were researched. I know it's a little information-dense but I really wanted to show them making an effort to learn more about it and change their perceptions. I don't think Jack is that complex. I think once he gets over his misguided opinions by looking at the facts he would be able to deal well. Sam is the one who is struggling with the stigma. **

**Some bonus STD facts for you all (skip if you want):**

**HPV: Ever had any sexual contact? You've probably come into contact with it. It affects up to 80% of people at some point in their lives but most never know they have it. Usually your body clears the infection within two years but it can cause chronic problems like warts or lead to cancer. There is no test for it in men and the tests in women only detect high-risk strains that may cause cancer (not the strains that cause warts). So it's probable you either do or have had it.**

**Herpes: Also very common, it comes in two flavors: HSV-1 generally causes oral cold sores but can be transmitted to the genitals and HSV-2 generally is "genital herpes" but can be transmitted to the mouth. Most people have no symptoms or never notice them. If you have had more than 2-3 partners you have probably come into contact with it and may even have it. A blood test can tell you if you do in the absence of symptoms.**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: I tried to do as much research on sleeping pills as possible but info was surprisingly difficult to come by. Therefore, if this isn't realistic, let's pretend it is, please. =] As always, I've loved reading your reviews.**

* * *

Sam barely made it to work Monday morning. She didn't want to go but she dragged herself out of bed anyway. There was a meeting with the scientists at 1100 that she had to be present for.

Daniel stopped by before SG1 departed for a few days to P2Y-524. Daniel was excited to get the chance to study the ruins there for an extended period of time. The colonel wasn't happy about it but Daniel had been begging to go back for weeks and since there wasn't anything more pressing they could do Daniel's requests had finally won General Hammond over.

He asked her if she was alright and she said she just didn't get enough sleep. In truth she had slept for more than half the weekend. Being asleep was the only break she got from having to think about her situation.

Daniel wanted so badly to tell her that Jack knew and supported her but he wasn't sure it was his place. Still, he was beginning to question if they were doing the right thing by not telling her that Jack already knew. He knew she really wanted to be the one to tell people but at the same time he already knew and the damage was done. Was keeping that from her doing more harm or good?

He would have more time to think about it off world. He'd talk to Jack about it but was pretty sure he knew what he'd say.

SG1

SG1 returned, much to Jack's relief, Thursday night. He knew Daniel's studies were supposedly important, but man it was boring to watch him stare at rocks. The other three members of the team had tried to keep their griping to a minimum but it was hard. Jack and Audra ended up playing tic-tac-toe in the dirt while Teal'c sat stoically near the fire waiting for danger. The planet was uninhabited but you could never be too careful.

They returned in the evening and headed home as soon as possible. Jack was desperate for a shower but waited till he was home before settling in for the night. He thought about calling Carter. He wanted so badly to check up on her but he knew that she would think it was strange. He would stop by the lab tomorrow. He knew Capaldi was going to be there and so it would let him hang around without being too awkward.

SG1

Carter was withdrawn on Friday. Jack had followed his plan and spent a bit of time in her lab. He watched as Capaldi tried to strike up some conversation only to be shot down with short, one word answers. He himself joked a bit but she was sullen and he soon gave up.

"I'm going to grab some brunch," he finally announced.

"I'll join you, sir," Capaldi spoke up.

They both turned to Carter expectantly but she didn't even look up. "Have fun," she murmured. They exchanged glances before Jack finally shrugged and waved Capaldi out the door. He didn't want to push Carter and gave her a bit of space. Maybe she just was having a bad day.

SG1

The colonel had said bye to her before she left for the weekend. She could tell he was a bit surprised to actually see her leaving but he approved.

"Big plans?" he'd asked.

"Just a nice bath," she had told him. "I'll see you Monday, sir," she said before walking off. In truth she just wanted to sleep for an eternity.

Once home she actually did take a bath. She fell asleep in it though and was awoken when her head slipped beneath the water and she woke up sputtering. She made her way out and collapsed into bed.

She spent the rest of the weekend much the same as the last. Daniel had called her and they chatted for a bit about SG1's mission the week before. She didn't care about all the details of the civilization but it was nice just to hear his voice. She'd been exceedingly lonely the few days that they had been gone.

She was so tired of looking at a couple in public and thinking _I'll never have that_. She was so tired of driving home every day and seeing the children's park and knowing she would never get to carry a child. She was just so mad at herself. And just when she thought she was finally coping and moving forward she was hit by a new blow. Someone would make a herpes joke on tv and it would hurt her because she knew that if someone could ridicule people with herpes, a harmless skin condition, then they would think worse of her.

She wasn't sure what was going on with her. She just knew that she wanted to sleep as much as possible. The moment she woke up she began thinking about her HIV again. It wasn't going to change and Sam wished with every breath that she could undo her mistake.

SG1

"Where's Carter?" Jack said. He walked into the lab to see Capaldi sitting at Carter's lab bench.

"I'm not sure, sir."

"What?"

"I haven't seen her yet," she said. She continued to play with the equipment in front of her.

"Did you just get here?" Jack asked. He looked around but didn't see any evidence that Carter had yet been here.

"No, sir, I've been in here since 0900," she informed him. "I wanted to go ahead and finish the power distributor we've been working on for the gate."

"She had to unlock the lab, right?"

"No, sir," Audra said. "I have access to it. I unlocked it this morning."

Jack felt something unpleasant stir in his chest. It was already 1100 and Capaldi hadn't seen her at all.

"Alright. Carry on," Jack said.

He made his way to Daniel who also had not yet seen her. He was still sorting through all the notes he'd taken last week on P2-whatever. His next step was Teal'c quarters and then Hammond's office.

General Hammond was similarly surprised to hear that Carter hadn't been seen that morning. He informed Jack that she hadn't called in. With no one else always working in her lab, it was luck that anyone had really noticed that she was gone.

They called her but no one answered. Jack was starting to get worried and he knew it wouldn't take much before his worry tipped over into the beginnings of panic.

"I'm gonna go see if she's home," Jack informed the general. He barely waited for the general's affirmative response before he was heading off the base.

SG1

He pounded on her door and called her name. She didn't answer so he pulled out his key and let himself in.

Her house was quiet and it gave him a weird feeling. He walked through the house calling her name but there was no sign of her. He finally walked into her bedroom and saw her laying in bed.

"Carter!" he barked. She didn't move and he thought his heart stopped when he saw an empty bottle of sleeping pills knocked over on her nightstand.

He ran over and again yelled her name. Still no response. He reached over and felt for her pulse and was relieved to find it strong and her warm. He shook her shoulder hard and called her name continuously.

Finally she started to stir. "Sir?" she asked, clearly dazed.

"Wake up!" he snapped at her.

"I'm up," she grumbled, but he could tell that she wasn't all there.

"Sit up," he said. When she didn't move he grabbed her by the shoulder and hauled her up so that she was sitting but unsteady.

"How many pills did you take?" he asked, holding the bottle up.

"What? Like 4," she said. "I wanted to get to sleep last night."

He looked into her eyes and could tell she was starting to become more lucid. He wasn't sure he believed her but he didn't get into it. "Well, good job," he said. "It's 1200."

"It is?" she asked in disbelief.

"Get dressed," he told her. "I'm taking you to the infirmary."

"What? Why?" she questioned him.

"Get moving, _Major_," he commanded.

"But, Colonel-"

"Now!" he snapped at her, more harshly than she had ever heard him speak to her.

She got out of bed still feeling a little groggy. The colonel turned around to give her some privacy and soon enough she was being hustled out to his car. She was still kind of in a fog and the colonel wouldn't let her stop talking for the entire drive.

SG1

"What's going on?" Janet asked. Jack had dragged Sam to the bed and made her sit on it. He admitted to himself that she looked a lot better but he wasn't willing to take any chances.

"I found this next to her bed," he said, handing Janet the empty bottle of Benadryl. "I could barely get her to wake up and she slept through my pounding on the door and us calling her at least five times."

"What? That's why you dragged me here?" she demanded. She added, "sir," when the colonel swung his gaze to her. Remember how harsh he'd been at her home, she figured she'd better keep quiet.

Janet brought over a pen light and began to look into her eyes. "Are you feeling dizzy? Nauseous?"

"No, just kind of tired," Sam said.

Janet continued to test her reflexes and talked with Sam. She pulled the colonel aside when she was satisfied.

"You think it was intentional?" Janet asked him.

Jack hoped not but he couldn't really say no with 100% certainty. The thought terrified him.

"I don't know," he said. "She said she only took 4."

"I think she might have taken more," Janet said. "She's pretty lucid now so it's hard to say. How long did it take to wake her?"

"Thirty seconds or so. I shook her and yelled."

Janet nodded. "She seems fine now but I'm gonna keep her here for observation. I'll talk to her, try to get her to talk about what happened."

"That's it?" Jack asked.

Janet gave him a look that said she didn't like the colonel implying she wasn't doing enough for her patient.

"She's conscious, she's lucid. If she had overdosed she wouldn't be improving like this. I'm sure she's going to be fine but I'll keep her here just in case. She might have taken a few too many but she's fine, sir. I wouldn't let her leave if I wasn't sure."

Jack nodded and reluctantly left the infirmary after saying bye to Sam. He needed to go think and he couldn't do that around her.

SG1

Jack left the infirmary and made his way towards Daniel's office, knowing that he and Teal'c would also like to be informed about what happened. He walked slowly, not in any rush to retell the tale.

What the hell had she been thinking? Had it been intentional? What if it was? It hurt to think that she could have gotten to that point and none of them had noticed. If only he had gone to her immediately, maybe this could have been avoided. He knew she was in a rough spot, but he had thought she was coping. Daniel had said she was coping.

Maybe it was just an accident. People accidentally mixed medications or alcohol and over the counter things all the time, didn't they? He told himself he shouldn't jump to conclusions. He mostly didn't want to think that he wasn't sure if Carter had tried to hurt herself or not. He felt like he had failed to protect her, even if it was just from herself. Just the very thought brought panic a tiny bit closer and he ducked into a men's room as, to his astonishment, tears pressed into his eyes.

The adrenaline was fading and other emotions were pushing to the forefront. He wasn't ashamed to shed a tear here and there, but the bathroom of the SGC wasn't the place. He walked into a stall and tried to get a handle on his emotions.

But when he'd walked in and couldn't wake her... he didn't want to relive that any time soon. It had only been twenty or so seconds, but they had seemed like forever. Carter was important to him, there was no doubt about that. He loved Daniel and Teal'c, but Carter was different. Maybe she shouldn't be, but he couldn't help it.

Jack pushed the thoughts out of his mind. Hiding in the bathroom wasn't doing any good. He waited another minute to make sure he was good before he finally walked out to find the rest of his original team.

SG1

Jack thought about what happened for the rest of the day. He went to talk to Daniel and Teal'c about it and they were shocked, although only Daniel expressed it.

"Is she alright now?" Daniel questioned, already putting down his things to go see her.

"She is," Jack said. "I'm gonna go visit her later. Janet wants to keep her there for a while to observe."

"Do you think it was intentional?" Daniel asked.

"For what reason would Major Carter commit such an act?" Teal'c asked. They both suddenly realized that Teal'c was still in the dark.

"Does anyone ever really know why someone tries to hurt themselves?" Daniel said, trying not to lie.

"I'm not sure," Jack said in response to Daniel's question. "Maybe."

Daniel looked stricken. "I'm gonna go see her," he said before he left for the infirmary.

Teal'c went to the gym, due for a training session with another team. He said he would be by later. Jack rushed after Daniel and caught him before the elevator shut.

"I'm done with this, Daniel," Jack said, not up for a debate. "I'm telling her I know. I lost 10 years off my life earlier when I walked in and she wouldn't wake up."

"I agree," was all Daniel said.

SG1

Jack and Daniel decided that it would be best if Jack talked to her about what happened when he told her that he knew. So it was Jack who ended up taking Sam home that evening after Janet finally got tired of hearing Sam complain.

"Plant yourself down, Carter," Jack said. "I am going to whip us up a fine meal."

She rolled her eyes but did as she was told. She sat on the couch and waited for him to flit around her kitchen. She was seriously ready for this day to be over. She'd spent almost all of it in the infirmary and just wanted to forget it ever happened. Everyone spent the day treating her like she was suicidal or on the verge of a meltdown. That wasn't strictly true; only Daniel and Janet had acted that way but the colonel had been a little off with her too.

"Aaaaaaand you have no food in this house," she heard him call from her kitchen. "I will be whipping up some delicious takeout."

"You don't need to do that, sir," she said. "I'll be fine."

"Carter, I am not leaving this house tonight," he told her. It was that tone that said he was serious and didn't want any backtalk, usually from Daniel but sometimes from her.

She couldn't help feeling like she was in trouble so she stayed silent and simply nodded. He ordered food and they watched tv for a while.

Jack finally summoned his courage. "So what happened, Carter?"

"What do you mean?" she asked. Wasn't he past this already?

"Be honest with me, Sam," he said and she was surprised to hear how serious he was. He looked her in the eyes. "Were you trying to hurt yourself with the pills?"

"What?!" Sam exclaimed. "_No_, sir!" She couldn't believe he would even think that.

"If you were, Sam, you can tell me," Jack said. He hated having this conversation but he couldn't let it go. "I've… almost been there myself."

She softened at his admission. She knew from Daniel that he had not been the most stable when they first went to Abydos but she didn't know any details.

"I wasn't," she repeated. "Really."

Jack thought she was telling the truth but he had been lied to by her before.

"Sam, I have to tell you something," he said. God this whole talk was making him squirm. She nodded and he added, "I know that you have HIV."

He saw her features go wide with shock. "What?" she breathed.

"Daniel didn't tell me," he said. "I figured it out."

Sam was so surprised she didn't even know what to say. She jumped up to try to flee the room but the colonel caught her hand and tugged her back down. She started shaking from nervous energy and Jack noticed.

"Hey, Carter, it's okay," he said. She didn't say anything. "C'mere," he said, pulling her into a hug. She collapsed against him and he rubbed his hand up and down her spine. She trembled for a long while but she didn't cry.

Eventually she pulled away. "You okay?" he asked.

"Not really," she confessed. He knew? How? What did he think? He didn't seem to act any different around her lately.

"What happened with the sleeping pills?" he asked again. He needed to know.

"I really didn't do it intentionally," she said. "I've been sleeping a lot. I just wanted to sleep so I kept taking them when I woke up. Over the course of a couple days they must have added up."

"You can't sleep through your problems," Jack said, even as he felt relief.

"I can try," she responded. Then added, "I know. But I want to."

Jack reached up and held her by the shoulders. He looked directly at her in an uncharacteristic moment of sincerity. "We're here for you," he said. "All of us. We're not ashamed of you or disappointed in you or anything. We're just your friends, Carter."

Her eyes welled with tears and she broke their eye contact. She needed so badly to hear that from him.

"You don't…" her voice cracked, "think less of me?"

"Nah," he said. "You're still the beautiful genius you've always been." It was true. He still cared about her way more than he should. He still found her attractive and he still hoped she would be foolish enough to want an old grumpy soldier like him.

"Apparently not," she said. Tears were beginning to escape from her eyes and Jack felt his chest clench.

"Sam, everyone makes mistakes. This just makes you human." He watched as she continued to cry and she covered her face with her hands, embarrassed. He didn't know what to say to make this better. He'd never been good with emotion but he wouldn't stand by when someone was in pain. Especially Carter. Instead he pulled her close again as her breathing started to hitch.

"It's going to be okay," he said. "I promise." She nodded against his chest but didn't let go for a long while. They sat in silence and just enjoyed the presence of the other.

"Do you… want to talk about it?" he offered. She shook her head as she leaned back once more. "How about some coffee and television?" She nodded her head and he got up to get her coffee. When he returned she'd pulled a blanket from over the couch and wrapped it around herself. He sat beside her with their drinks and channel surfed.

Sam was a little dazed. She couldn't believe he knew. He seemed to be pretty calm and taking it well. Was it because it didn't really matter to him? She knew he cared about her but her status wouldn't matter if he would never possibly be exposed. He did seem pretty freaked out about the possibility of infection before.

She continued to stare at him, trying to read his thoughts. He could feel her gaze burning into his face.

"A picture will last longer," he joked. She continued to look at him but he could see her shift in her chair. He really looked at her for a moment. He could see the stress of the past months in her eyes and in her defeated posture.

He placed a pillow in his lap and waved her over. She placed her head on his lap silently and without hesitating and he placed his hand on her shoulder, gently rubbing it with his thumb. She gathered the blanket around her and shifted to get comfortable.

Sam could feel sleep pulling at her but she tried to resist for as long as possible. She kind of liked that he knew and she didn't have to tell him. She wasn't sure she wanted to know his initial reaction.

She stayed awake as long as possible, enjoying the weight of his hand and the warmth radiating from him. She didn't really like the part of herself that craved his approval but she had long since stopped trying to deny that it was true. She told herself it wasn't really unreasonable to care about the opinions of people you… love.

He continued to sit there with her for a long time, just enjoying having her close and knowing she was okay after the nightmare of that morning.

* * *

**For those wondering, the story is kind of going to be going into the upswing now. There will be some angst in the future, but I think the worst of it has passed.**

**Also, Benadryl contains diphenhydramine which is also used to treat allergies. Apparently if you take allergy pills you should be careful to not accidentally take too much of this when you take sleeping pills as well.**


End file.
